The pull of two worlds

I read a blog post tonight that makes my heart ache in a place that physically hurts.

I told Ryan as we headed upstairs for bed that I can hardly swallow the injustice of how extravagantly blessed I am.

Tonight as my children ran in the door and told me they were hungry, I watched them all eat heaping bowls of cereal before heading up to bed.

Before climbing in my own bed, I checked on each girl, pulled a warm blanket around their shoulders, smiled at carefree memories of our day and thanked God that I get to be their mommy.

I'm still utterly blown away by that gift too often to count.

I got to kiss my husband good night before laying my head on my comfortable mattress and rest in the relative security of my warm home.

My heart grieves for the utter need I can't fathom. The hurt I can't understand. . . and at times am ashamed to admit that I have pleaded not to have to.

I think of it so often as I tuck my girls in at night and wonder and pray about our own baby yet to come. . .. and all of the babies (big and little), both here and there, that don't have a mommy to make sure they are covered, kissed and safe for the night.

Some nights I can hardly let my mind go there.

It's those moments, like tonight, that the reality of our fallen and hurting world take my breath away and I can hardly breathe but to pray "Jesus."

And then my heart grieved a little further as I lay in my comfortable bed, praying for a woman and her children across the ocean, that I've never met, and physically hurting for them . . .as I realized how quickly I somehow transitioned to wondering when we'll be able to afford to put in the tile back splash I would love to have for our kitchen but have needed to wait.

A fallen world indeed.

It's not that the back splash is "ungodly" or "wrong" (although I don't suppose I could also claim it "godly" or "right" either).

The reality is, like Andrea shared in her post, that just handing that money over isn't necessarily going to solve the problem. It helps ...but we want more than the quick fix.

And Jesus.

But it's just one more reminder that I don't want to be so tied to this world and its "details."

That my soul is so often, too often, at war with the two worlds I find myself between.

It made me think of a quote I underlined in my BSF notes this past week.

"Although we may not be persecuted, we must recognize that the desire for eternal fruit and an expanded ministry involves choosing to die (with Christ by the power of the Cross) to everything except the work of God in our life. Jesus has promised that such a decision will result in a fruitful life."

May it be so . . .