standing on my weak leg . .

I will freely admit that to share my last adoption update and the raw of my heart felt vulnerable.  As much of an open book (to a fault : ) ) that I can be at times, there are others times I tend to hold back and guard to a fault.  It's a part of this wait that has stretched me as it extends.

Yet I just had to thank you for loving me through it and the sweet words of encouragement I've been shown whether on this blog, in person, or in the mail.

Our family went to a family/church camp in Indiana a few weeks ago that really spoke to me at this point in our wait.

The theme this year was "stand" and its many applications as a christian.  I am quite convinced that God had me there just for Sunday morning and its message.

Our friend Matt shared sunday morning.  Matt shared that all we had  talked about "stand" was good ...but yet any application, advantage or even the strength in our ability to stand is entirely dependent on what we are standing upon.  

If the foundation upon which we stand is weak, no amount of determination, clinging or discipline will withstand storms that may come. It is in grabbing hold of a foundation that is sure and promises that are true the enable us to stand. And we need to remind ourselves of these promises that are ours and true.

But the part that spoke to my heart the most was when he then talked about our own weaknesses to stand on our own.

Often times we try to withstand hardships, trials, calamities on our own strength - or maybe it is just me who finds myself so often there.  

I know I stand on the power of God's unshakable promises.  I know His grace is offered and given and mine.  Those all are what enable us to stand on firm ground and be confident.

But a common theme of my life is after so long a time, I begin to hunker down and plow through on my own strength.  I struggle to press into God when the trials persist - almost as if I am afraid to admit how hard something has gotten and how little I have left to persist.  I struggle to stay in that vulnerable place.  And by doing so, I too often miss out on His offered hand to hold me up and step in where I can not and where I have not.

This past year, I have often had a conversation with God how our life of these last few years has had a common theme of waiting, dependence and being poured out.  I don't always handle it well (to put it mildly) and have had some hard lessons in learning what it means to rely on God when situations and circumstances stretch beyond our ability to control and provide.  And each time feels a little harder as I feel the reserves are a little lower.

It's as if I want to tell Him, "I know I need to do this differently but I'm ready for a new lesson."  But here, two and half years later, we still wait and find ourself in some similar situations.

That morning, God just really sweetly and intimately reached down and spoke to me during a point in Matt's message.

He referenced 2 Corinthians 12:

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰ For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

In speaking to others throughout scripture and their own journeys of hardships and victories, Matt pondered that isn't it just like God to show up big in the areas we are most weak? 

Every great man/woman of faith seemed to have this journey of falling and  then they would rise up.  They would fall and rise up.  Fall and rise up. 

And maybe the lesson there is that when we finally stop trying to stand on our strong legs and fall on our weak legs that God's strength may be known.

I just sat there and soaked in those thoughts as I just felt God whisper, "Stop trying to walk through this wait on your strong leg.  Stop trying to manage this journey for others.  Stop trying to find the reasons and understand. Surrender helping others understand it. Stop trying to be strong on your own and fall on your weak leg."

Sometimes I manage to reach that point of surrender a little more on my own. Sometimes I fall big in order to get there.  But there is something both profound and terrifying about having God so plainly put the choice in front of you and ask you to do a "trust fall."

Because that is exactly what I have felt Him asking me of late.

Do you trust me enough with your family, your dreams, your money, your timelines and your identity enough to let go of your grip to manage it all and fall back into me? Do you trust me if this wait goes another two years? Do you trust me to be strong enough for whatever may come?

Sharing my update was one of those baby steps.  Sharing the hard of this journey and the unknown still ahead.  Opening up to others thoughts, opinions and comments on how things are moving (or not).

But God is reminding me that He and I are still ok amidst all of that.  That I am ok with Him and in Him and regardless of how we go from here.

Some days are hard to sit in the raw and the real of this place.

But God is reminding me again of the sweetness of it.

My foundation is secure.  His promises are sure and are mine.

And when I am weak, HE truly is strong.

And for that I am so thankful how weak I am.