Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The part of adoption you can't explain.

Adoption is a funny thing.

I'm not quite sure how else to explain it.

It's the biggest, beautiful mess of God callings, prayers, bureaucratic red tape, busy work, side trips, normal life (what is that?!), dreams and hope .  . . and irrational emotions.

It brings about a little bit of crazy, friends across the country and connections with a country that make no sense when one considers they've never actually been.

And yet.

You get up and get kids dressed for school, make lunches, run errands, do swim lessons and read bed time stories . . .with your mind on the other side of the world.

You talk to friends, help with school work, kiss an ouchie and make food for teacher appreciation lunches while wishing you could hop a plane and hold your little one. . . or simply see the lines of their face in pictures.

You rake up leaves, make appointments,  head to bible study, fold laundry (sometimes), and try to figure out why it seems tears threaten to spill at any random moment.  And then you try to explain or laugh them away without looking like a (total) emotional mess.

My girls in my Bible Study group right now are going, "Ohhhh, now I see." ; )

There isn't really any other way to explain it than to say "Adoption is a funny thing."

Well, "funny" until you consider the heart of my Father.

It falls into place when you consider the mere forming and creating of this world; how it showed a God, our Abba Father, creating and doing, all while moving towards a culmination of His designs and dreams through the creation of man.

He was doing so with His created in mind, those He longed to be in relation with, and for those that once created, He stepped back and said "It is very good," and rested.

'Cause we all know REST is just what it's like when you add another person to your family. ; )

And yet "rest" it truly is.

For a yearning, a prayer, a longing comes to fruition and life finds pause with a comma before the story continues to unfold.

When I sit there and consider all the ways with how my God penned this world's very formation, I can let go of the irrational and allow the tears to flow freely, with reason, and with grace.

I like to think my Father understands.

I like to think He looks at my "irrational tears" (over anything and everything of late), my lack of interest in the day to day and sees my dreams for my child and whispers, "I understand.  I know. I see."

Looking back over our adoption journey thus far, I truly have to say how thankful I am for the unexpected twists and turns that have come, and each day that has past, even amidst this much longer timeline we never expected.

God knew.

And just as it took those 5 days to create the backdrop for man, I can look back and see so clearly why God has taken and used every day of our journey thus far for His glory and our growth and His own authorship of our adoption journey thus far.

I like to think of it as glorious backdrop that I pray can bless our child someday (although this whole emotional loose cannon of late doesn't always feel so "glorious" or a blessing for others - notice I didn't ask Ryan to comment on this post) : ) .

Yet if we're being honest?

More and more of late I feel the heart of our Father when He looked at Adam and said, "It is not good for the man to be alone."

I feel that for our child.  I feel that for our family.  The void just feels larger and the day to day rings a little emptier.

Yet I love the words of Jeremiah 29:11 . . .and even as I read that familiar verse, I find so much hope in those verses that follow.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord.  "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.  In those days when you pray, I will listen.  If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.  I will be found by you," says the Lord.  "I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes.  I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land."

I can't read those and not dream of our child.

Far more?

I can't read those and not dream of my Abba.

And for now, God be praised,  He is enough.

He is always enough.

Tears and all.

So we will wait. . .


Cortney said...

thank you friend, so very true.

Jenny Marrs said...

So beautifully said. The words of my heart have somehow made it onto your blog :).