Tuesday, January 21, 2014

when life is messy

Some posts you don't want to write.

This is one of them.

There is no easy way to write this but we received a text late tonight from our birth mom that she has changed her mind and now wants to keep her baby boy.

We have spent some time on the phone with caseworkers from our agency - to say we are all shocked by this is an understatement.

Alot has happened in 24 hours that none of us foresaw and we are trying to absorb, regroup and understand where we go from here.

There is alot of unknown still truthfully.

There is still a question mark if this is final . .. which I will admit is scary for me to write as well.  To leave the door open to hope seems so vulnerable right now as we just try to wrap our minds and hearts around the words we read and its implications for our family.

I will just be bold and say it would be a miraculous answer to prayer if this baby boy could still be our son for so many reasons.

This is what we will not do - we will not rob birth mom of her choice.  Our hearts are broken and break further when I think of three little girls upstairs who went to bed prepared to send us off tomorrow to meet their baby brother.  But  I can't be a mother to those three precious girls and not empathize with all this birth mom has to be experiences and processing during some extremely stressful situations in her life.

There is nothing easy about adoption.  It is beautiful and glorious . . .yet it is full of heart break and loss.  And tonight, we are having to experience that loss in a way we never hoped or prayed.  I have to think and trust that God is going to use this, in some way, at some time, for His glory.  It is all I can cling to right now as we head to bed with so many questions.

Maybe we should have waited for more answers to these questions before we shared. But truthfully, I couldn't bear to start the day with so many hoping and praying alongside of us and believing we were getting on a plane.  You all have held us up more beautifully than I could have ever imagined this past week.

As of right now, we have canceled our immediate travel arrangements and are in holding to see what the next 72 hours holds.  We lean on your prayers and your grace as we sit here in this limbo.

As I head up to bed, I am clinging to words that I shared in passing with a friend I encountered yesterday.  As she sweetly shared how she has been praying and praying for us and would continue to, I told her how much we have been held by those prayers.  Then I said words that I am praying I will not forget.

I told her that part of the peace God has given us to this point has been that even with an uncertain future, we know without a doubt that we are where He asked us to be.   Those are hard words to type right now as the tears stream down.

We are clinging to that tonight.  Falling before Jesus with that tonight.  And trusting that He see a story we don't see fully yet. . . and that our hearts, and our girls hearts, are still safely in His hands.

Thanks for how much each of you has been Jesus to us these past weeks with your words and prayers.


Jamie Bahr said...

Amber and Ryan,
Our heart breaks for your family. Although these are not the prayers we had imagined praying, we will be lifting you up in prayer that God will comfort you in your loss.

Peggy said...

Praying for you guys. John and I know the pain of this, though we didn't make it quite as far as you guys did. It truly is a loss and though we are confident that it isn't without purpose, it doesn't remove the sorrow. Continue to embrace that sorrow..."joy comes in the morning". ((Hugs and prayers))

emilykate said...

Praying for a miracle. And praying for your family to process whatever happens. Love you!

BumbersBumblings said...

Amber, I am so sorry that this shocking news came! I'm praying for you and the news that you'll have to share with your girls. So much grief for them as well. Praying for the expectant mom, that she will make the best decisions for her baby boy.

teresa said...

Praying for you and your family. Praying for the birth mom and the decisions she makes for her babe.

J Gutwein said...

Oh Amber.. Praying.. Just in being there you have already been a huge support & security to this birth mom.. It is so stinking hard.. May God carry you through any outcome.

Britni said...

Aching for you empty arms. Praying for a glorious end and for peace and comfort.

girlie girl said...

Oh Amber, I've been thinking about this very thing and praying it would not be a sorrow that you would experience, knowing how common it is.
Yes, adoption is hard. There would be no need for adoption if there was not brokenness to begin with. I cannot fathom the struggle this birth mom is wading through. Our twins birth mom changed her mind also, then changed her mind again.
You don not know the outcome right now, or the purpose behind it, but cling to this: God does. And he is using this for His glory in so many ways! I know that doesn't take away the pain. I am praying for you and Ryan, and the girls as you rest in God's faithfulness today, tomorrow, and the days to follow.

Joy said...

Hi Amber, I work with Keith and Alisa. I received her email asking us to pray for you all. I read your blog for the first time in awhile the other day and saw that you were getting your boy today. I thought of you last night wondering if today was the day. My heart aches for you as I learned of this recent news. I am praying for you all! I don't even know the pain you must be feeling, but I don't doubt that God is using this to bring Glory to His name, even if we don't know the why.

MarknBarb said...

Oh sigh! Praying for you!

Sarah said...

This is do heartbreaking ...I will up the prayers!

Love how you are responding to this...SUCH a testimony. Love you guys!!!!

The Ringgers said...

I've been praying for you and your family these past few days. My heart breaks for everyone involved.

leah said...

prayers are with you guys!

Team Keehn said...

Amber, I am so sorry to hear this news. Praying for you all and BM. You are such a source of encouragement for so many. I know you are trusting the Lord and pray He will show you His glory in this.

Q and H said...

Had a strong feeling to check your blog and now I know why. I'm so sorry to read your news and will continue to keep you guys in my prayers.

Crystal Frank said...

Praying for you and your sweet family Amber! Love you so much and praying God will wrap His arms around you all.