Friday, January 24, 2014

When the cost is great, He is greater still.

It's been a long few days.

It's been a different few days than we thought.

It's been raw, emotional, numb  . . .yet even sweet.

Sweet because of so many of you.

Tears have come because of what we are walking and the ache it brings.

Yet tears have just as often come because of the countless messages, texts, emails and calls from the body of Christ.  You have stood with us so beautifully.  Cried with us.  Prayed for us.

We have been loved as extravagantly as we grieved.

There are no words.

In some of my weakest moments when all I could do was sit on our stairs and cry . . .I have felt held.

I have seen God provide for our girls beyond what we could have hoped.  And oh they have been a blessing amidst it all.  To still hear their giggles and have their hugs.  To see them moving forward  amidst the questions and prayers for "baby brother" reminds us to do the same.

I have felt the prayers as Ryan and I have stood in this together, hurting, but so thankful to have each other amidst it all.  I told him I am beyond thankful to be married to be a man who is willing to say "yes" to God even when it opens us up to be vulnerable and is willing to love deeply enough it leaves us open to grief.  We have felt His grace in the moments He reminds us this hasn't broken us and He whispers we will be ok.

The last 24 hours especially have been a whirlwind.  Some things happened in birth mom's life that left a window of hope that a last minute phone call might still come and allow us to go and bring home our son before events would transpire that could not be reversed.

While we don't know 100% that it all has moved forward in a way that would permanently close this door to us, based on our last connection with her, that is our assumption and the way we are moving forward in our hearts.

Would we love a phone call tomorrow proving us wrong?  Yes.

But we aren't expecting it.

We have been thankful, so, so thankful, that birth mom has continued communicating with us through this all despite disconnecting from some others during it all.

It is how we found out baby boy was born.  7 lbs, 5 oz and 20 inches long and came a day earlier than planned when birth mom's water broke.

We even were sent a picture.  It broke us to see but I will forever treasure it.  I have said over and over that to not have that picture would be a million times harder than it was to receive it.

I will be honest and share that this story has progressed in a way we wouldn't have hoped.  It is hard to see the better in this as events have unfolded in birth mom's life and this baby boy's life.

But God continues to challenge me not to doubt that His love for this mama and baby go far deeper than our own.  He has challenged me what it means to hold things loosely.

These have been times in the past day I have wanted to fight for what felt like ours.  And yet God had begun weaving a different story.  And instead of grabbing tight He was telling us to love extravagantly and give our support where it felt most hard to do.

This is not where we would choose to end up.  That has been clear every time I step over a packed suitcase or walk by the crib in our room.

Yet I am firmly clinging to the truth that God did not bring us here to abandon us.

I look over every single day of our adoption journey since that first day we moved forward a little over 3 years ago . . . .and I wouldn't go back for a second even knowing where we stand today.

God has gloriously wrecked us, is still wrecking us, but in a way I pray leaves us more moldable and usable to Him.

We are holding tight to the promise that He sees a bigger picture than we can right now. 

We are holding tight to the promise that He is the redeemer of broken things.

Please keep praying.

There are sweet moments amidst it all.  Precious moments.  Times where laughter and nonsense conversations are such a gift and friendship a blessing. Life can feel sweetly almost normal. And there are moments that are raw and tender and often unexpected and the tears flow.  We are trusting God to just continue to carry us through those waves that will inevitably still come and to continue writing our family's story as only He could.

And as He does, this is the cry of my heart.

Thanks for standing with us.


Sarah said...

prayers!! Thanks for sharing your vulnerability with us.

Lot's of Love,

emilykate said... sorry.

J Gutwein said...

This story may always bring tears, but it is also creating a person that I can tell you realize is deep & moldable :). Opening ones heart aka parenting is so painful & beautiful, right?! He & this family will always be a little bit yours.. When you are ready give me a call :)..