tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3945075643990975932024-03-05T01:18:33.980-08:00Connect The DotsAmberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.comBlogger626125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-394507564399097593.post-33862301783027358132016-02-16T08:27:00.001-08:002016-02-16T09:15:18.091-08:00Our ellipsis . . .I have started this post so many times. But my heart just wasn't quite ready to put words to keyboard and click the word "post."<br />
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Call it self preservation. Call it fragile hope. Or maybe fragile faith.<br />
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Add in a blog that hasn't been posted to for over a year . . .and it becomes quite clear that this post is more for my own marking than public sharing. : ) But this morning I felt the need to mark this past season down for our own memory if a single other person doesn't make it through.<br />
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An ellipsis is, by definition, "a series of dots that usually indicates an intentional omission of words, a <b>pause</b>, or a sudden leap from one topic to another." And such is the word to describe our adoption journey.<br />
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These past couple years have been some of the most faith stretching/faith building that I have known. Faith stretching because I had come face to face to the fact that as much as I would have stated differently, far too much of my faith had been built on what I had seen God do for me than on WHO my God was.<br />
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That verse in Proverbs 13 that begins as, "hope deferred makes the heart sick . .." often struck a chord in me as I began to understand it in new ways.<br />
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It seems unreal to think that we are past the 5th year mark of when we sent off our first adoption papers. Anyone who has been given a God gifted spark to go, do, or love knows what that drive feels like. It is invigorating, purpose giving and can consume (we've all done it - everyone you know should be as excited as you are and called to the same passion as you :) ). You are moving forward and until that is gone, you don't realize what a gift that is.<br />
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Our journey has held many twists and turns. Yet even the twists and turns felt like forward movement and with purpose. Our yes to baby J turned to loss and that void hit hard. We felt so much conviction our yes was the right answer but weren't prepared to hurt so deeply in it or the journey to follow. A journey I am learning to be thankful for amidst the mess.<br />
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Our grief was often largely compounded by a lack of "next:" a lot of unexpected unknown of if our family was able to grow any other way, a lot of loss associated with our grief (dreams, ability to plan, finances, empty arms) . . .we learned how multidimensional grief is. How unpredictable it is. How it both heals and compounds with time in the most unusual combination of ways. We learned how to move forward . . .yet at times I struggled so much spiritually as we continued to wait to see God move. And you grieve the loss of that for yourself.<br />
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And that has been much of our past two years coupled with seeing God continue to keep showing up in small ways right about the times I most struggled to see Him. In a journey that is hard to know how to speak into, God became our one source of both comfort and direction. There has been little "known" to our next year for the past 5+ years and it became revealing to me how much comfort I glean from the known ahead (down to simply knowing we'll make a planned vacation), even as we know tomorrow isn't promised.<br />
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Our first year grieving baby J was hard simply in the dynamics of grief. Towards the end of that year we were receiving increasingly discouraging updates from our Ethiopia agency and from a few personal conversations I was able to be in and be informed of, both Ryan and I felt a increased lack of peace to stay in the program or in the ablity to have confidence in completing an adoption with the current climate we saw. We started having some serious conversations with God and each other if we should continue or if we needed to walk away.<br />
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Can I be honest and say this brought about mixed emotions. Grief for sure. We had planned and hoped and prayed. We had been come around by so many and cheered on in this next step for our family. We had invested years of our family's planning and future in that journey.<br />
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It also brought some relief. For almost 5 years we had protected vacations days and often weeks of them. Some needed projects, plans, etc for our home, savings, and even trips had been put off until someday "when the adoption was done." Your heart, while seeking to be intentional in living for "now," was also always just a bit on the other side of the ocean. It affected our ability, to an exten,t of even what to pour ourselves into with such a huge unknown of our next year and family's needs. And to think of stepping away from that and just fully into the "now" of where God had us felt somewhat freeing if I'm being honest. <br />
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So we gave ourselves permission to sit with the idea of simply being done. That first night felt amazingly light.<br />
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Within two days both Ryan and I were miserable. We both felt the weight of walking away from what God had called us to. And bluntly? We both felt the weight of what we would step back into.<br />
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I have a dear friend who has walked a hard journey of loss with conceiving and pregnancy. In phone conversations with her, I felt very seen. Because you see, when all you have known about conception and pregnancy and growing your family is the fruition of it? It is all possibility and joy (I do realize these are broad statements :) ) and expectation of completion of a journey. When you have had pregnancies unknown or children lost . . . to discover you are pregnant (or to even hope you are) is both pure joy and terror in one. Because the story isn't over yet. The exhale isn't there. And the following months become an exercise of surrender and faith and anxiety and fear and trust all woven in one. And involves a willingness to invest more of your heart (and at times finances) when you are weary and so ready to rejoice. All while worth it and deeply desired. <br />
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For us? The thought of signing back up was all those emotions. Not to mention there was a reality of where we had walked in and where our hearts and lives were in the ability to walk another journey. My heart was so fragile to hope. Our family was ready to move forward in planning and living again and the thought of a long wait seemed more than we could handle. Finances weren't an endless supply and we were so sensitive to the fact so many had come around us in overwhelming ways already. After 5 years of yearly paperwork updates, a home study agency change (which meant an entirely new home study . . .not just an update) . . .the thought of starting from scratch paperwork wise and with new agency relationships seemed overwhelming.<br />
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And so Ryan and I began to pray. We took all those dynamics before God and simply told Him we felt we weren't free to let go of this call . . .and yet struggled to see how all the realities of where we had walked could reconcile with the current adoption climate we saw all around us. We struggled walking our girls (who already walked a lot of waiting and loss) into another long wait. We struggled to see how to continue to step forward in this call while being wise stewards of our finances and what had been given in support of us. That weight felt so heavy. We struggled to make sure we were meeting a need in this call and not simply adding a name to a list. And we really, really boldly asked Him to make a way that didn't involve us starting from scratch somewhere. Because momma was just tired and fragile. Then we put our hands out open to Him to wait to speak.<br />
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Around that time, some close friends of mine began speaking of a small adoption program in South Africa. I listened with half an ear because all I kept hearing seemed totally outside of us. It was a very small Hague accredited adoption program (essentially means an important certification in the adoption world) and in so many words spoke, "start paperwork over from scratch with new agency" to me. : ) I mentioned it in passing to Ryan as a "non possibility," and we were just still sitting and trying to see what was next for our fam.<br />
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Then one Monday night, Ryan headed to bsf with the girls and I was home. I got on the phone with a friend and we were dialoguing where we were at and somehow South Africa came back up. I began down this long list of why it wasn't a match that largely coincided what all I was really asking God for in this next journey . ..and specifically not having the emotional and mental energy to start paperwork from scratch. At some point, the fact that I had never gotten on the agency's page to confirm any of the details I was throwing it for came up and so I got on the site while still on the phone.<br />
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I glanced over the bare basics of the program and saw that they only worked with currently established partnerships for home studies (the agency is in another state) and immediately threw it out as why this all wouldn't work. Our home study agency that we had been forced to change to when our previous agency (large and well known) had stopped working with international adoptions was just a small agency out of another town. So to prove my point to my friend why this all wouldn't work, I agreed to see what their agency for Illinois was . . ..and my heart stopped when I saw our small agency was one of two agencies in all of Illinois with a partnership already in place.<br />
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My heart further stopped when I started receiving texts from Ryan that night. It's been so long since this adoption journey first began that many may not rememner the dynamics we struggled with in the beginning over who was driving the direction we were pursuing. Adoption often has a driver and a dragger. And in the beginning, I was a driver and that is ok to a point . .. but then we (I) struggled to transfer that leadership to Ryan and we sat at an impasse for a while. It was a huge growing season in our marriage and since then, I have really asked and sought and worked to allow Ryan to take/keep that role in this journey of ours.<br />
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So when Ryan started sending me long texts one after the other, I started paying attention. Lets be honest, our typical texting relationship is usually about 3 texts from me to his one. :) But God stirred in his heart that night and he felt confirmation and direction through both the Spirit and Word that we needed to be pursuing this program in South Africa. And that our reasons for not doing so were purely fear and self and not valid. I agreed to call the agency the next morning and have a conversation . . .with a long mental list of why it still wouldn't work.<br />
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That next day I got on the phone with my long list of questions . . .and within about 5 minutes of the conversation I had tears rolling down my face for two reasons. <br />
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1? Every question I kept asking had an answer. After a long year of feeling little to no direction in this area of our life, it was overwhelming in a sweet way to feel God moving in some clear ways and open paths.<br />
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2? It was simply overwhelming as this time in a "new" adoption journey there were no blinders on. We knew the cost of what we were stepping into and the risks to our hearts, family and lives. And to step forward meant embracing all of it and trusting that God was big enough to care for us in it all and enough if it all fell apart.<br />
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By that night we knew we were moving forward. And so began the process. For the sake of time, I will just tell you that it quickly became messy. <br />
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Anyone who knows my history knows there is a part of my journey that was messy in its own as I struggled with depression and an eating disorder in late high school and early college that I sought treatment for. God was incredibly faithful in bringing me out of that, but it adds a complicating factor to every adoption beginning as agencies seek to make sure it isn't a current factor in my life and this was no different. <br />
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We actually had to do a full in country pre-approval that took several months - and we spent the Christmas season of 2014 wondering if this was God closing the door for good on adoption as we knew it or if He was starting something new. It was emotional and hard to be placed in this season of unknown again (a theme of our life :) ) but helped serve as a confirmation that we were invested and committed to this new path and new hope for our family's growth.<br />
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In February of 2014 we officially began the paperwork chase to adopt from South Africa and made the official step to terminate our Ethiopia process. We felt really protected emotionally by God in all of this as within a short time of this our agency announced they were closing their Ethiopia program due to the current climate there and their inability to confidently refer children reliably and ethically.<br />
To have already process this door closing felt like a gift amidst a lot of hard realities. <br />
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Thankfully, our home study was just an update but it still was an entirely new dossier process and I was so thankful that God had gifted us with a few friends ahead of me to walk us through the unknowns and ups and downs that the paperwork process inevitably is. It felt like a huge answered prayer when our dossier was mailed off to South Africa completed the last week of June and we stepped back into a season of waiting.<br />
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As adoption is always unpredictable and full of twists and turns, and this path has been no different. <br />
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Because of the small size of the program, and the fact that they work to refer children that can't be reunified or adopted within country (a huge reason we loved the program), waits rarely extended beyond 6 months with fairly open parameters (that we have always had). But as God continues to refine us and teach us to lean on Him alone and not a predictable process, life or timelines . . .we had learned new reasons to find this true.<br />
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A magistrate over there went through a political season and refused to process any cases on his desk for a period of about two months and cases backed up. Shortly after his personal strike ended, the court workers over there went on strike. That was thankfully short lived and again, backed cases up. Then the holidays come and as the cases, several workers took their six week holiday vacation. :) Anyone want to move?!<br />
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We had originally had high hopes for a match by Christmas . ..and I will bluntly say at one time I held the pipe dream of a new year in South Africa. God saw otherwise. And so it has been a daily surrender and choice of trust to His timing and sovereign hand. Our new prayer and hope is to be matched in a timeframe that would allow us to travel so that the girls don't miss the beginning of a new school year. That isn't a gurantee with what we are currently seeing.<br />
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I have related to the story of Jacob much this past year as we stretch closer to a 6 year journey of adoption. It doesn't make sense in light of a need and a willingness. It doesn't make sense in the light of God placing us on a path. I could say all that about his story and I look at in new lenses. Because God had placed him there. And we are trusting God has placed us here.<br />
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Ryan and I have had the gift of studying the book of Revelation in BSF this year, along with our girls, and God knew the timing of it all. He has reminded me of the eternal perspective I have lacked. He has reminded me what true suffering is (and it isn't a delay in plans and dreams). He has reminded me there is joy and intimacy in learning to suffer/struggle as He did. He has made so clear that He is the only place to put my hope.<br />
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Prayers are still so appreciated and needed (if you made it through all that). <br />
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There are still many days my hope and trust is built on the truth I speak into my heart as opposed to the fear and doubt I feel. In a really hard period of few weeks, a friend took me back to that Proverbs verse as I wrestled with my fragile hope and faith in trusting God to bring this to pass and reminded me of the second half of that Proverbs verse:<br />
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"Hope deferred makes the heart sick: but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life."<br />
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I found so much encouragement in that back half of the verse. I have known, quite well, the truth of that first statement. I know of so many others who are walking their own deferred dreams and struggling amidst them to grab hold of truth and a hope that won't disappoint. And there is a reality that long seasons of that can bring much discouragement.<br />
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But I love that God knew that already. And in that verse? I don't hear condemnation. I hear encouragement and a God who sees us in all of it. Because there is a reality that seeing God move in answer to our prayers and hopes allows life to take root. And when I don't always see that in my day to day, I can know I have an eternal hope that will make this all pale in comparison.<br />
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But feeling His compassion in this season, encourages me to keep my eyes on Him to move and answer this prayer of hope for our family.<br />
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But if not?<br />
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Do I dare type we will be ok? <br />
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Because while these past 5 1/2 years have stretched us more than I would have ever asked for. I have learned He is enough. And I have had to transfer many "hopes" to only rest in Him. In my first 5 devotion this morning, I was so encouraged by its direct relation to our family's story and truth of what God has taught us.<br />
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"Let's not put a period where our life story just needs a little string of dots. . . .<br />
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We must never confuse delays with dead ends. . . when we confuse what's really a pausing point with a terminal point, we can get into trouble. And this is exactly what the people of Israel were doing when Moses was so long coming down from the mountain. When they didn't understand the delay, they decided they couldn't trust God . . .<br />
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When there is a delay in our lives, we must determine to fill the gap between here and there by intentionally proclaiming every hint of God's activity. Just the fact that we woke up breathing this morning is evidence of His goodness. So, let's make a list and keep acknowledging that just because God is silent in one area of our life does not mean He is silent in every area.<br />
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Also, let's think about an area of our life where we've been waiting for what seems like an unreasonable amount of time. Let's determine today not to mistake this delay for a dead end. Say out loud, "I will not run ahead of God in this. I will not manipulate or manufacture solutions. I will not give up until God confirms I should. I will keep seeking God, fully anticipating and trusting His perfect plan to unfold in His perfect timing and His perfect way. And if He does confirm this is a dead end, I will still honor Him."<br />
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And so unless and until God us otherwise, our family is looking and trusting Him to grow us and expand to South Africa.<br />
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Thanks for loving us in it all. <br />
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<br />Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-394507564399097593.post-68785145795580222282014-12-31T09:57:00.000-08:002014-12-31T10:17:02.324-08:00As the year draws to an endI have started to write a "next" post so many different times in my head.<br />
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It still seems unreal to think that the last time I clicked "post" on this blog was the height of the grief and loss of our little guy. Almost 11 months ago.<br />
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To say that this year was not what we had expected seems like an understatement.<br />
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It was more stretching, more hope filled, more grief filled, harder and more foundational than we ever dreamed.<br />
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Losing our little guy rocked our home and my heart. I won't lie.<br />
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Figuring out how to pick up the pieces and move forward as a family that is forever changed just a bit by grief took some time and much grace.<br />
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Because a loss I learned, forever changes the lens you view life through. It always look a little differently and with one less face.<br />
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You cradle life a little more carefully, soak in who you have, and give yourself permission to let go of the extras for a bit.<br />
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I learned that comparing grief always come out with someone losing. So often I would try to stuff my grief down with the thought that some one was walking a harder road and greater loss and I learned that satan can attack deeply in that place. Both losses can be validated, loved in and seen.<br />
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God met us with so much grace. He taught us that joy and grief can be walked in tandem. That they don't negate the other . . but in fact bless and ease each other.<br />
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He showed us so much grace in the friends that loved us through the tears, the (continued) transitions and at times, my need to pull back and hold close to the Father, Ryan and our girls.<br />
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He showed grace in the gift of our girls and all they bring to our family. We saw Him meet them in their grief and in stretching their own hearts to trust His future for our family. They bring so much joy.<br />
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He has given grace to dream again and hope again . . .even as grief still can surprise and creep up. Christmas was tender - we had hoped to be celebrating as a family of six. Yet again, the grief of the loss exposed all the blessings God has given and so we held those close and gave thanks even as tears fell at times.<br />
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I have a time hop app on my phone that shows what you posted on social media 1, 2 , 3+ years ago on that day. It is often so sweet to see what memories surprise me with each day. Yet this time of year I am also seeing the posts of our preparing and hoping to welcome our little guy home last year.<br />
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It's interesting - this looking back. Without a doubt it feels tender as we approach the first birthday of our little guy and the culmination of our hope and grief that we walked. Part of me wants to go back and prepare my heart back then . ..and yet even in it, I wouldn't change a thing.<br />
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No child deserves to be welcomed with a guarded heart. This little guy was our son in every facet of our hearts. God had worked a miracle of binding hearts and I will only give thanks for that even in the heartache that can still surprise me some days. And his story, his momma's story, and our story, all intertwined, is this daily reminder to pray for all that is broken and all that needs Jesus.<br />
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I haven't always shared the specific ending of our story on this blog . . .it ended in a way no one quite hoped. Baby boy never went home with birth mom but instead entered the foster care system. The entire time it unfolded, birth momma maintained contact and was grieving alongside us and we grieved a young girl who had no real support, no long term perspective in her decision and a mutually lost son to both of us.<br />
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We had a few months of contact with birth mom and my heart grieves for her to this day. She was struggling, greatly, last she connected and still without much support. I wonder about her often and pray for her safety and hope she is still with us. It is hard to hope for the miracle of reconciliation for her and baby boy . . .and so I pray for that family that is loving him and raising him for us. We pray they love Jesus. And we pray they are teaching him to love Jesus as well. I never dreamed my heart would be tied to foster families in this way . ..the sweet family caring for him had no idea the story they were taking on. And so we pray for grace for all.<br />
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Our family? I am so grateful our family's future hasn't changed and is no less secure in the hands of loving, sovereign God. A little baby boy and his last shared picture will forever have a place in our home. He is a part of our story. Our hearts.<br />
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My devotional yesterday was titled, "I have taken away Your Fear of the Future" and was based on Proverbs 31:25.<br />
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"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future."<br />
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While I don't pretend to have walked this journey with all the strength and dignity that I would have liked, God has taught me so much about fear and my faith in Him for our future. He's exposed alot and the journey has not always been pretty.<br />
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But step by step, He is teaching me that fear does not have its place in trusting our family's future and walking forward with Him. He is teaching me to step beyond it and away from it and confidently forward.<br />
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The devotional read, "The year ahead may hold new joys and opportunities, and it may hold new hardships and hurdles. But you can greet whatever comes, confident that I am your refuge and strength . . .not because you are sure that you can handle it, but because you are sure that I can."<br />
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We still walk many unknowns right now. But I am so deeply, deeply, thankful, that my God's faithfulness is not one of them. <br />
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Serving Him was never about the blessings or happy endings. It is about knowing Him, becoming more like Him, and finding Him to be true.<br />
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There are days I see a little boy and would love nothing more than to have our little guy home with us and in my arms. But what I have learned about my Father and His <i>goodness </i>in this loss, is a gift I couldn't for go.<br />
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And so it is for all that, that we step into a new year with much hope and grateful that we can find confidence in a God who remains our refuge, remains our strength and is with us in all the year may hold.<br />
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Happy New Year friends . . .<br />
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<iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/fkK01FsfK74" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-394507564399097593.post-18766289274205219572014-02-04T08:54:00.001-08:002014-02-04T08:54:48.707-08:00two weeks inSome times "thank you" seems so inadequate.<br />
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Two words to try and express appreciation for a community that has held you up, supported you and still prays for you, hurts with you, hopes with you, cries with you and laughs with you.<br />
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We have needed every bit of that these past two weeks.<br />
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Seems unreal to think it has been two weeks today since life turned slightly upside down.<br />
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I'll be honest - at times we hid out.<br />
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That first weekend we took the girls and went to Chicago for some time as a family to absorb what had happened, hold tight to each other, and just be together. It was so needed and so good for us. <br />
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There were a lot of different dynamics going on that first week - yes we were still grieving and in shock and just absorbing a different reality than we had planned on - but there was just alot going on within our story that I think kept the grief from hitting as deep beyond what we were able to share.<br />
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A week ago some large details happened that changed this dramatically and we were left with a pretty clear reality and the grief hit hard. <br />
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Grief is a funny thing. Some days you feel you can manage it. Some days it is there but in the distance. Parts of days feel normal. Then other times it comes from nowhere and takes over. Tuesday and Wednesday it managed me and laid me on my back. Literally. We grieved deeply what was lost and the way that lost seems tangible in almost every area of our lives.<br />
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I know we need those days. You can't move forward without those days where you feel and cry over all the loss holds. It affects our hearts, our home's make up, our calendar, our budget, our prayers, our pictures, our relationships. <br />
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I am not trying to be over dramatic . . .it is just the reality of where we sit. Family gatherings look different than you expect, friends you are looking forward to walking similar journeys alongside still walk those as you absorb a different one, budgets look different, and time off plans suddenly have to be discussed as Ethiopia becomes a possibility that needs planning and foresight for even as you grieve and want to pause. There is the reality of stepping back into an unknown wait.<br />
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And yet through it all, friends have prayed and reached out. I was trying to explain it to one friend that not only do you love and absorb the connections that remind you others are hurting alongside you and praying for you in the hard . . .but you love and crave the reminders that they are thinking of you in the day to day and moving forward with you.<br />
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I remember one friend texting me a totally random text about a tv show and that was all it was about. And I laughed and gave thanks for it . . .because it kept me moving forward and reminded me that <i>grief is not all that defines us right now.</i> That text may have meant as much as any other that day.<br />
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Last week was hard but in different ways as we stepped into the reality that we are now in. <br />
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There was good moments in there - almost normal moments - but again hard ones as snow days drifted away, activities resumed and our new reality became more real. Workout classes you go back to where people ask if we are home with the baby with hope and excitement in their eyes. Neighbors that come out of their homes and ask for any news and update. Preschool teachers exclaim "you're back already!" and excitedly wait for the update.<br />
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God has been so gracious through those encounters and I know He will continue to be as they are going to continue for the next little while. I feel as badly, if not worse, for the people asking as they feel for me because I know how awful they feel for asking when they hear. I don't ever want them to feel badly for caring and hoping alongside us. That has meant so much. And as hard as that reality may be to revisit as we tell them we are walking a different journey, I can't begin to consider walking this journey alone.<br />
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This past weekend held alot of tender moments. <br />
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The crib had been moved to our bedroom. Thursday night I looked at Ryan and asked if we could move it over the weekend as my heart couldn't handle any longer having that be the first thing I looked at each time I stepped into our room.<br />
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So Saturday as Ryan took apart the crib to store in our basement, I finally unpacked baby boy's suitcase and emptied our dresser of the clothes we had collected. There were tears and there were prayers for redemption in this loss and for the faith to trust God for the beauty we know He has within it. And as only He could, He timed the most perfect expression of love of a friend right as I folded and packed and prayed and cried.<br />
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Saturday afternoon we got to have a super fun visitor in my 16 year old niece. My girls were so excited and it was so special to have her. She sweetly offered to babysit so Ryan and I could get out for a couple hours which ended up being a blessing for a whole different reason than she might have thought . . .<br />
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Ryan and I spent our time out making returns for baby boy of the items we decided not to keep and hadn't washed. A friend had offered to do those for me but the more I considered it, we needed to be the ones making those returns. To hand them to her felt like denying a reality that we needed to accept and almost harder. While it was tender, to be able to have Ryan with me and just handle each stop together felt healing. It was almost a slow acceptance and determination that we are still a family and are going to be ok. God was with us at every stop, even one particularly rough one, and when we returned home it felt good to step into a fun evening with family and making memories and enjoying time together.<br />
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Sunday we returned to church for the first time. I felt anxious but fairly calm until we sat in church and I sat down and the emotions came. Sitting there brought the grief again. . .as every part of us had been hoping the next time we went to church would be with a little bundle snuggled in our arms. Arms felt painfully empty that morning. But God.<br />
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One of the things that has been so clear and real to me this whole journey of the past two weeks is that we are not the only family walking hard. I don't mean that in a trivial way. I don't mean that in a melodramatic way. It is just a very real statement of what others are walking around us even as we grieve.<br />
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I can rattle off a dozen families I know personally and love that are walking their own deep journeys of grief and heartache and their own trampled dreams. . .many of them walking journeys that are harder and deeper. <br />
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We are not alone. We are not exceptional. We are not abandoned in it. <br />
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But it is a heartbreaking reality of a fallen and broken world we find ourselves in and I am so deeply grateful to know that Jesus sits with each of us in our hard, cries each tear alongside us, and promises to right all that is wrong at the end. In fact He promises to not only make it right, but more beautiful than we can imagine or desire even if it is on the other side of heaven.<br />
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Yesterday was a good day. In fact, I would dare to call it a great day in light of the past few. Laughter came easily to our home yesterday and I felt present with our girls in a way I haven't the past couple of weeks. It just felt like a whisper of hope in our hearts for our family and our future and I just felt at peace as I looked at our family, our girls and this season.<br />
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I felt the grace to look forward as opposed to back.<br />
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I was so thankful for that and just texted that praise to some friends at the end of the day. I don't expect there not to be hard days ahead, tears flow even today as I write, but I just feel the hope for what God has yet to write. <br />
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The truth is? That even as we grieve, we firmly believe the risk was worth all this.<br />
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We look back and would make every "yes" all over again.<br />
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We are choosing to believe this journey was more than just about our family. And yet we see bits of the fruit for our family too. Last night, as Ava said her prayers before bed, she thanked God that our baby brother was born healthy, prayed he would stay safe . . .and then prayed the sweetest prayer for birth mom by name as well. <br />
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Fruit. Deep. Real.<br />
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Our girls are learning some beautiful lessons about love, compassion, grief . . .and God's faithfulness in all of it. While it is hard for us to know they still hurt, too, over a baby brother that didn't come home, I am hoping they are also learning that God is big enough for all the voids in their hearts and that <i>to love big is still worth the risk every time.</i> <br />
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I am hoping that somewhere in our mess and our hurt, they are seeing that God's grace is there in the hard and sustains us and carries us and gives us hope <i>even when we don't see the other s</i><i>ide of this story yet.</i><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">At one part of the service on Sunday, they read from Ephesians 3 some very familiar verses:</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="text Eph-3-14" id="en-KJV-29266">"For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,</span><sup class="versenum" style="font-size: 0.75em; font-weight: bold; line-height: normal; vertical-align: top;"> </sup>Of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man; That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fullness of God. Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen."</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Those are neat verses. But where God spoke to me was in the very verse right before these that wasn't read and my eyes just planted on. Other versions read a little differently, but for that day, God knew just how it needed to read for me that day right before that bigger passage that begins "For this cause . . ."</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The verse reads:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"Wherefore I desire that ye <i>faint not</i> at my tribulations for you, <i>which is your glory. </i>For this cause . . . ."</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">We didn't desire to walk this hard or this grief. But we are holding tight to the truths that we are being prayed for in it, strengthened in it, grown and rooted in love in it and comprehending God's love in new ways.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Thank you for every way you have been a part of that.</span></div>
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Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-394507564399097593.post-61169748183618763632014-01-24T20:45:00.000-08:002014-01-24T20:50:55.231-08:00When the cost is great, He is greater still.It's been a long few days.<br />
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It's been a different few days than we thought.<br />
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It's been raw, emotional, numb . . .yet even sweet.<br />
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Sweet because of so many of you.<br />
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Tears have come because of what we are walking and the ache it brings.<br />
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Yet tears have just as often come because of the countless messages, texts, emails and calls from the body of Christ. You have stood with us so beautifully. Cried with us. Prayed for us.<br />
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We have been loved as extravagantly as we grieved.<br />
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There are no words.<br />
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In some of my weakest moments when all I could do was sit on our stairs and cry . . .I have felt held.<br />
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I have seen God provide for our girls beyond what we could have hoped. And oh they have been a blessing amidst it all. To still hear their giggles and have their hugs. To see them moving forward amidst the questions and prayers for "baby brother" reminds us to do the same.<br />
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I have felt the prayers as Ryan and I have stood in this together, hurting, but so thankful to have each other amidst it all. I told him I am beyond thankful to be married to be a man who is willing to say "yes" to God even when it opens us up to be vulnerable and is willing to love deeply enough it leaves us open to grief. We have felt His grace in the moments He reminds us this hasn't broken us and He whispers we will be ok.<br />
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The last 24 hours especially have been a whirlwind. Some things happened in birth mom's life that left a window of hope that a last minute phone call might still come and allow us to go and bring home our son before events would transpire that could not be reversed. <br />
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While we don't know 100% that it all has moved forward in a way that would permanently close this door to us, based on our last connection with her, that is our assumption and the way we are moving forward in our hearts.<br />
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Would we love a phone call tomorrow proving us wrong? Yes.<br />
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But we aren't expecting it.<br />
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We have been thankful, so, so thankful, that birth mom has continued communicating with us through this all despite disconnecting from some others during it all.<br />
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It is how we found out baby boy was born. 7 lbs, 5 oz and 20 inches long and came a day earlier than planned when birth mom's water broke.<br />
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We even were sent a picture. It broke us to see but I will forever treasure it. I have said over and over that to not have that picture would be a million times harder than it was to receive it.<br />
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I will be honest and share that this story has progressed in a way we wouldn't have hoped. It is hard to see the better in this as events have unfolded in birth mom's life and this baby boy's life.<br />
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But God continues to challenge me not to doubt that His love for this mama and baby go far deeper than our own. He has challenged me what it means to hold things loosely.<br />
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These have been times in the past day I have wanted to fight for what felt like ours. And yet God had begun weaving a different story. And instead of grabbing tight He was telling us to love extravagantly and give our support where it felt most hard to do.<br />
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This is not where we would choose to end up. That has been clear every time I step over a packed suitcase or walk by the crib in our room.<br />
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Yet I am firmly clinging to the truth that God did not bring us here to abandon us.<br />
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I look over every single day of our adoption journey since that first day we moved forward a little over 3 years ago . . . .and I wouldn't go back for a second even knowing where we stand today.<br />
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God has gloriously wrecked us, is still wrecking us, but in a way I pray leaves us more moldable and usable to Him.<br />
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We are holding tight to the promise that He sees a bigger picture than we can right now. <br />
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We are holding tight to the promise that He is the redeemer of broken things.<br />
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Please keep praying.<br />
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There are sweet moments amidst it all. Precious moments. Times where laughter and nonsense conversations are such a gift and friendship a blessing. Life can feel sweetly almost normal. And there are moments that are raw and tender and often unexpected and the tears flow. We are trusting God to just continue to carry us through those waves that will inevitably still come and to continue writing our family's story as only He could. <br />
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And as He does, this is the cry of my heart.<br />
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Thanks for standing with us.<br />
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<br />Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-394507564399097593.post-21407007713851373152014-01-21T22:27:00.000-08:002014-01-21T22:27:54.515-08:00when life is messySome posts you don't want to write.<br />
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This is one of them.<br />
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There is no easy way to write this but we received a text late tonight from our birth mom that she has changed her mind and now wants to keep her baby boy.<br />
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We have spent some time on the phone with caseworkers from our agency - to say we are all shocked by this is an understatement.<br />
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Alot has happened in 24 hours that none of us foresaw and we are trying to absorb, regroup and understand where we go from here.<br />
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There is alot of unknown still truthfully.<br />
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There is still a question mark if this is final . .. which I will admit is scary for me to write as well. To leave the door open to hope seems so vulnerable right now as we just try to wrap our minds and hearts around the words we read and its implications for our family.<br />
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I will just be bold and say it would be a miraculous answer to prayer if this baby boy could still be our son for so many reasons.<br />
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This is what we will not do - we will not rob birth mom of her choice. Our hearts are broken and break further when I think of three little girls upstairs who went to bed prepared to send us off tomorrow to meet their baby brother. But I can't be a mother to those three precious girls and not empathize with all this birth mom has to be experiences and processing during some extremely stressful situations in her life.<br />
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There is nothing easy about adoption. It is beautiful and glorious . . .yet it is full of heart break and loss. And tonight, we are having to experience that loss in a way we never hoped or prayed. I have to think and trust that God is going to use this, in some way, at some time, for His glory. It is all I can cling to right now as we head to bed with so many questions.<br />
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Maybe we should have waited for more answers to these questions before we shared. But truthfully, I couldn't bear to start the day with so many hoping and praying alongside of us and believing we were getting on a plane. You all have held us up more beautifully than I could have ever imagined this past week. <br />
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As of right now, we have canceled our immediate travel arrangements and are in holding to see what the next 72 hours holds. We lean on your prayers and your grace as we sit here in this limbo.<br />
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As I head up to bed, I am clinging to words that I shared in passing with a friend I encountered yesterday. As she sweetly shared how she has been praying and praying for us and would continue to, I told her how much we have been held by those prayers. Then I said words that I am praying I will not forget.<br />
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I told her that part of the peace God has given us to this point has been that even with an uncertain future, we know without a doubt that we are where He asked us to be. Those are hard words to type right now as the tears stream down.<br />
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We are clinging to that tonight. Falling before Jesus with that tonight. And trusting that He see a story we don't see fully yet. . . and that our hearts, and our girls hearts, are still safely in His hands.<br />
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Thanks for how much each of you has been Jesus to us these past weeks with your words and prayers. <br />
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<br />Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-394507564399097593.post-51089521484126238512014-01-18T11:12:00.000-08:002014-01-18T11:12:30.829-08:00The end stretch . . .and what to expectBaby arrives in FIVE days.<br />
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Absolutely crazy, surreal, and amazing to write that.<br />
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A friend asked me the other day how I was feeling.<br />
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When I wrote last week, we were sitting in some hard spots and anxiety was definitely higher.<br />
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Don't get me wrong, the anxiety still rises up at times. But when my friend asked, I decided that overall, the main feeling I hold right now is relief.<br />
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I feel relief to know that in a week we will <i>know; </i>to no longer be walking this road of hoping and wondering and "what if?!" To know if I can sit freely in soaking in that we have a son or if we are walking a different road of faith. We ache to know and be able to say he is our son. But we are taking each day as it comes and re surrendering how this all goes.<br />
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In the meantime we are in planning mode as we step forward in faith. Who knew it would take the 4th child to make me finally have some nesting urges (not being pregnant myself may help that)?!?!<br />
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Bathrooms are scrubbed, some food prepared, house is slowly being cleaned and picked up, store room has been sorted through (because that is a necessity before baby - didn't you know?!), shopping trips for essentials and piles of things we might need are being put together in his bedroom to get ready to pack. <br />
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You forgot how many little things you need for a new baby around the house!!<br />
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Several different people have asked me what this next week is going to look like and while I have shared with them, I thought it might be helpful for me to come share what we know here . . .as it is comforting to know the many that are lifting us up and praying for our family in this journey.<br />
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Ryan and I plan to head out wednesday. We are so thankful for grandparents who are watching our girls and are able to come to us so that amidst so much unknown and so many potential changes, the girls can stay in their own beds and continue their routine as close as possible. They are excited for time with Gpa's and Gma's!!<br />
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We will get into Texas early evening - enough time I hope to be able to sit down for a dinner, make a target run for any last minute needed essentials as well as time to just pause before heading to bed for some sleep (we hope!).<br />
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Baby is scheduled to be born thursday morning by c-section - 8:30 for my friends who like to set alarms and pray. : ) I would say it is here that begins the timeframe we feel the most prayerful for and ask for your prayers as well.<br />
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Birth mom will have 48 hours before she signs papers that would make him our son. During those 48 hours, we are essentially completely at her whim in terms of when we can see him, where and how much. I have heard from other adoptive moms, and been prepared by our caseworker, to not be accommodated for or catered to. Her, and her choice to choose, is the priority. We don't hold an official role in his life as that point.<br />
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There won't be any caseworkers or anyone from our agency with us the 48 hours. That morning he is to be born, we will be at the hospital in the waiting room. The plan is that birth mom will contact us when she is able to have, and is ready, for visitors. I don't know if that could be an hour or six. That will be our first time not only to meet our son, we pray, but birth mom as well.<br />
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There aren't words to try and explain how we not only love her .. .but just pray God will use us to bless her and love her and show her His love. <br />
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We know we will also be able to meet some of our birth mom's family - also a big prayer request I would have; that God's hand will just be on all these meetings. I want to be able to form relationships that can be long lasting but am working to just give those details over to God and trust that He is going to walk those conversations with us.<br />
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So those 48 hours will be come and go - probably influenced by how relationships mesh, how birth mom is feeling and how baby is doing. Personally, I am just praying for the grace to be flexible and smiling . . .and to not take decisions weightier than they should be or even personally. I can't begin to try and imagine all that this precious birth mom will experience or feel. We want to honor her in how we walk those in between days as well.<br />
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Then, praying that at 48 hours, he truly is our son, someone from our agency will come and process all the necessary paperwork. Assuming all goes well again and he is doing well, my understanding is that it is then he would be able to "come home" with us . . .as in the hotel.<br />
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And there begins the connecting, real life and getting to know each other and snuggling him to pieces like I have been waiting to do. <br />
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At the completion of paperwork after those first 48 hours, we will begin another waiting period of 7 - 14 days before we can come home. This period is really just waiting for necessary paperwork to connect between the two states that acknowledge the adoption occurred and that we can bring him across state lines. This would probably be another point of prayer we would ask you to cover. We will quickly hit two different weekends right away. This has potential to just stretch out long and we are praying we will be on the short end of that timeline. <br />
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We have prayed and discussed several different scenarios - as that is a lot of days for Ryan to take off work (that we would love to be able to use some for when we are home and in transition there) and it is a long time for the girls waiting at home with us both gone. At one point we had talked about Ryan coming home for a while and then flying back to travel home with us. That isn't looking like an option any longer - but we will be needing to decide if he stays that whole time with us or just comes home . . .and then myself and baby will travel home alone when we get the ok. Many different factors will play into that so we just ask for prayers of wisdom and agreement and direction over those decisions.<br />
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It is when we finally get that last ok that we'll be able to book flights to come home!!!! I get teary just imagining it and getting to introduce our girls to their baby brother. They are asking often now "so does our baby brother get to be ours now?!" They are so excited - we all are - and I am just trusting their hearts to a God who I know loves them even more deeply than we do. We talk honestly about it and I feel like He has been gracious in preparing them as well as I could have hoped or prayed.<br />
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Until then, I can't tell you how grateful we are for all the prayers we feel just surrounding us. God just continues to speak reminders of His nearness to us through so many of you. We are leaning on them in these coming days.<br />
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Baby boy - We are waiting for you!! We are praying for you!! We love you.Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-394507564399097593.post-68982553639815418872014-01-06T16:38:00.000-08:002014-01-06T16:38:01.057-08:00The roller coaster of "in between"This last month has been a roller coaster in about every area of our life.<br />
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Balancing the scurry of adoption paperwork and updates needing to be done in order to adopt domestically amidst the already "busy" the holidays naturally bring.<br />
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At times I was a total scatter brain - forgetting gymnastics (which has only been every Thursday since august), blanking on scheduling sitters, running to get needed gift donations during preschool because I had forgotten they were due that day . . .the list goes on and on. <br />
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Ryan was beyond gracious as he would take Ava to Occupational Therapy to let me catch a breather or talk me through my day to make it doable and without total break down as I worked through conference calls, post office runs, Christmas shopping, school parties and holiday hosting. : )<br />
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But we managed to get through it all and we mailed off the last needed document request on friday to have us be as ready as we can be for this baby to come. It is a fingerprint request from the state of Illinois, so we would appreciate prayers that they will process them quickly so our agency in Texas can receive them. My understanding, as of now, is that baby, if born early, could not be handed over to us if they have not received them back. We are on a 2 - 3 week countdown at my best guess right now. :)<br />
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Emotionally it has been a roller coaster as well.<br />
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It has been so exciting to share the news with those we love and share the anticipation and hope we have of a son. We have been so blessed with the support we have been shown and the prayers being prayed.<br />
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Yet with each step we take towards baby, there comes a new level of anxiety and fear that has to be surrendered daily and a new reality to that fear.<br />
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My mom, sisters and I went out for some christmas sale shopping to prepare for baby boy so he wouldn't have to be clothed entirely in pink. : ) We found some fabulous deals on some needed essentials and I even shopped ahead for next winter some, as I couldn't pass up some of the prices we were finding. <br />
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I think coming home and organizing through it all and seeing it spread out that suddenly made the vulnerability of my heart become extremely real. For not a single tag came off, bags and receipts are in the closet, and still, a baby boy needs to be prepared for and needed items readied.<br />
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I knew the anxiety had been building up but it became very real when one day I stopped at store to make some exchanges. I had found a diaper bag I loved (ours had been spoiled - literally - by spilled milk with the twins) and went to also pick up a couple boy swaddling blankets and burpies. As I stepped up to the counter to make the exchange and use my credit, the anxiety became almost too much. It was as if in that moment, my heart couldn't go forward with one more purchase and chance having one more thing to take back if we don't bring our baby boy home.<br />
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Fighting tears, I put the items on hold, and walked out to the car, and called a dear friend of mine and just cried. She, too, is walking a similar journey of faith to her own little boy and I was just so blessed at having someone to simply sit with me in the fear, understand it, and stand with me in it with compassion and hope for me.<br />
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A day later I went back in, and choosing hope, purchased the items and they, too, are sitting in his bedroom closet with the tags and receipts.<br />
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Living with hope. <br />
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All the while surrendering how it all ends. <br />
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That is reality we are walking right now. <br />
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Speaking truth of God's goodness to ourselves and our ability to trust Him, regardless, and that we will be ok, regardless. OH, and somewhere in the midst of that not having it affect my ability to respond to the girls (or Ryan) in love. : )<br />
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I have been really grateful that we are in communication with our birth mom. <br />
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Some days that blesses me as I feel a relationship and re pore slowly grow. We want, so much, for her to be a part of his life and our life and family. So I am thankful for every interaction and just pray it grows trust and connection. <br />
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Other days it feeds the anxiety, as the weight of how I respond can sometimes feel heavy, or certain conversations make it very real how little control I have in this situation; both in baby's care/growth or in how this all ends.<br />
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We are hopeful to have a c-section date this coming thursday! While we know that still doesn't mean baby will for sure wait until then to come, it does feel comforting to know that a day is coming when we can step off this rollercoaster and know, with some level of certainty, what the future will look like. <br />
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So that is where we sit these days. Praying constantly throughout each day and night and leaning heavily on your prayers as we pray. I wanted to come share, not only because people kindly ask, but for us to remember God's daily provision as we walk this journey and His grace through the many emotions too.<br />
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I continue to find so much comfort that even on the days I have to pray through the anxiety the most, it is still so clear we are exactly where He has called us. That encourages me and comforts me to keep pressing forward, secure in His calling and His faithfulness to us.<br />
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Thanks for walking with us through it.<br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></i>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px; text-align: start;"><i><span style="font-size: large;">Hebrews 6:19 "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." </span></i></span><br />
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<br />Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-394507564399097593.post-12253129557205416312013-12-03T09:49:00.000-08:002013-12-03T09:49:29.787-08:00Next Steps and "what about Ethiopia?!"Thanks for stepping into the joy of where God has led us.<br />
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Thanks for having hope for the remainder of this journey.<br />
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We need that moving forward these next couple months.<br />
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Sharing that story, it is easy to sit and get comfortable in the beautiful parts of it. <br />
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Yet I am sure there were some of you reading through that who were feeling guarded for us and its unknown ahead . . .but with the journey we are walking, I desperately needed to share the beauty and clarity of what God has done separate from the "what if's."<br />
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Because this is what I am daily reminding myself.<br />
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Every detail God has provided and shown us thus far is not negated by the fact the ending of this story isn't known yet.<br />
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<b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">He is not less faithful if we fly to Texas and come home with empty arms.</span></i></b><br />
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I need to write that. I need to speak that. I need to claim that.<br />
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Because yes, here is the truth that still lingers in our story . . .<i>we don't yet know the ending.</i><br />
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And there begins our next steps.<br />
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1. Baby is due January 27th. Mom will have a scheduled c-section so unless she goes into labor early, we will be able to know how to plan and schedule flying down there. We are blessed that at this point, birth mom does want us there. We are planning and holding loosely to that as we want to honor her, her heart and her journey . . .and her choices in all of this.<br />
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2. After birth, birth mom has 48 hours before she signs relinquishment papers. There is no way of knowing how that will go. We are trusting God has brought us here and knows the ending. We are trusting He goes with us either way. <br />
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There are parts to that unknown that caused us to really debate even sharing about all this until it was done to protect our hearts, the hearts of our girls, and just so many pieces of this story. We <i>have</i> sat with this fear. I have watched too many of those I love walk the hard of adoption and adoption journeys that have gone differently than they would have chosen to write to claim ignorance or naivety.<br />
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But I feel like God has asked us to count these costs and still called us to this. He has asked us if it is still worth it if it doesn't go through and our answer is yes. I go back to that session we sat in on at Summit and if this was only for birth mom to know that she and her baby are precious, it will have been right.<br />
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It's excruciating to sit there.<br />
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<b>In our hearts, this is our son. </b><br />
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Our girls have been told there is yet a chance his birth mom could decide she wants him to grow up with her. We have talked about it as simply and age appropriately as we can as their questions allowed us to share this part of the story with them very naturally. Yet we aren't sitting there in the fear with them and we can't sit there either. It is a daily battle to hand this all to God and so we plead and ask for your prayers.<br />
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3. Once mom signs termination papers, we will have to stay there for essentially the two states "to talk." We are told this can take between 7 -14 days (there are so many jokes I want to make here but won't). We are planning roughly 10 days but will take it as it comes. After that we are praying we will be able to bring home our son and began the transition to a family of six!<br />
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4. What about Ethiopia?! <br />
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Our heart is that this is a concurrent adoption. So when I say this journey has been as much about handing two adoptions to God as it has been about one, I mean that in every sense of the word. This detour has thrown our current age parameters (0 -3) out the window as our agency has a strict birth order rule (so our Ethiopian child will have to be younger than this little guy). They also won't place two adoptions close together as they feel the family needs to focus on the current attaching and bonding (this is me sharing their policies - not said in judgement). So we will go on hold for a year once the adoption is finalized (as they too recognize nothing is final yet).<br />
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We have had to grapple with all of these details. Because of some incredible number crunching friends :), I do know our current numbers with our Ethiopian agency (best guess of course) are 44 for a girl and 30 for a boy. With those numbers and our parameters, that could have been one month to two years left to wait (how is that for estimates!!!). I have had to ask myself is this journey still right if a referral goes out that we might have "otherwise gotten." One day as I really wrestled with that, it was as if as clear as day, God whispered to me, "then that wasn't your child." We can't control every detail of this story and we don't need to. I am also daily reminding myself of that. Some days that is easier said than done.<br />
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So that all sums up to the simple fact that praying our domestic adoption goes through, the earliest we would receive an Ethiopian referral is January of 2015. <br />
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5. What about birth mom? Here is what we can tell you. Birth mom is African American. Birth mom is young. Birth mom is incredibly courageous. Birth mom made the choice for life and for that we honor her and thank God for her. There may be some of you that as circumstances and relationships allow, you may learn more of her and our child's story. But beyond that, we really ask that you honor her story <i>as you would want your own story to be honored if you were in her shoes.</i> <br />
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It is easy to want to write a really good story or share a really good story. But this is our child's story <i>and her story too. </i> Both are sacred to us. So we just ask for your grace as we navigate that all together. Please don't be afraid to ask, just please know that there may be pieces of the journey we hold close for our child and for her yet and I want you to understand the why.<br />
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And with that, I'll sign off for now. Thanks for walking this journey with us. We are so grateful for each you!!!Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-394507564399097593.post-85412660465682953812013-12-02T20:54:00.000-08:002013-12-02T20:54:20.703-08:00We have a son! Our journey.It seems surreal to type those words.<br />
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It seems a little anxious to write those words.<br />
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But it feels so good to write those words.<br />
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As some of you may know, whether through word of mouth or facebook, we were super thankful to share this thanksgiving that we are expecting a little baby boy!!!<br />
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The twist and turn of this journey, as only God can write, is that this little boy will not come from across the ocean in Ethiopia, but will be born to a precious birth mom in Texas . . .due THIS January 27th!<br />
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Surprised?<br />
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So are we. : )<br />
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And in that we find comfort as this story is one that only God could have written.<br />
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We've been asked for the story, the "how" of how we got here. Not only do we want to share with all of you who have been praying and loving us through the waiting of these past 3 years, but we want to share so we will remember and tell what good things He has done and is doing.<br />
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To really share how God has been weaving this story I need to back track just a bit (I can never make it simple, don't you know yet?!).<br />
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This past May, Ryan and I were blessed to be able to attend Summit in Nashville. It is a gathering of those with a heart for orphan care, adoption, and foster care. There is so much good info, incredible breakout sessions, solid teaching and ministry opportunities. Ryan and I chose most of our breakout sessions based on our upcoming adoption from Ethiopia . . .but we wanted to be open to other ministry opportunities and we both were drawn to an session entitled something like "Abortion and the Church" (as I work to retell from a faulty memory). We both felt pulled and walked in, neither knowing quite what to expect. <br />
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This session changed both Ryan and I. It was a session you can't pretend you haven't heard. But what really impacted us both was that it talked less about abortion itself and spoke more of how the church is failing birth mom's, vulnerable moms, teen moms . . .and how we bear much of the responsibility their roads sometimes otherwise take.<br />
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At the end of the conference, Ryan and I went out for dessert, partly to celebrate my birthday, but partly to just talk through all we had sat through those two days and what God had been speaking. We dreamed big - even speaking out loud what might otherwise feel like the absurd. Some of our dreams involved how God might use our family and birth moms. We wrote some of those down. And we put them in God's hands and asked Him to keep leading our family and its future. I firmly believe God knew we needed to be in that session for where He has us now.<br />
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A month or so later I was watching a friend's baby boy for part of the day. On that particular day, my heart was aching with the wait and for our child. The past month or so had been especially hard. I can look back in notes, emails, writings, just speaking over and over about working to surrender an urgency I felt for our child amidst a wait that seemed to stretch out unending in front of us. The two didn't make sense to coexist and yet there I was, aching and waiting, amidst a very real urgency for our child.<br />
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As I rocked this sweet baby to sleep and then held him as he slept, I snapped a picture on my phone and sent it to a couple close adoptive friends and just shared how thankful I was to God that day for letting my tender heart get to snuggle and love another friend's little one that day.<br />
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I still remember getting an instant text back from one. My friend Rory shared this,<br />
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"Amber, I gasped as I saw your picture. Because as I have been praying for your adoption this week I felt God whisper He might have something different for you and this picture is almost exactly the picture He gave me."<br />
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Receiving moments like that are a little vulnerable . . .as not only do you not want to make more of those words than they are, but you don't want to miss God speaking. Because if I am honest, that is some of what Ryan and I had been feeling too; that God was moving, and yet we couldn't see. That He was at work but we didn't know the how. And so I have shared that all I could think of were the words, "And Mary pondered His words in her heart. . . ." and I tucked my friends words deep in my heart and continued to move forward.<br />
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As months went by, the ache just grew. There had been numerous times we had inquired about waiting children, and each time God had firmly closed those doors and said "stay."<br />
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In October, after yet another home study update visit with our wonderful caseworker, an email went out from our agency about some waiting kids with another country program they had. We didn't feel those children were ours but as my heart was a mess of emotions that day, I set out on what had become my therapy of past months . . .a walk/run with God to hash it all out.<br />
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This time, I needed to put it in words. And as I started to walk, I started typing out an email to our current Agency and caseworker, Julie, . . .tears just falling as I pecked away on my phone. <br />
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It was one of those days my heart couldn't handle even the thought of waiting one more day. We were open, we were available, we were ready . . .and yet we waited. And I bared my soul.<br />
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Bless her heart, Julie called me that same day. She heard me and encouraged me to possibly pray about a concurrent adoption with another country's program that was moving more swiftly and that, with our open parameters, could hold potential to move extremely quickly.<br />
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Mind spinning, I got off the phone with her and called Ryan and before I knew it, we were seriously praying about stepping forward with a concurrent adoption.<br />
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It is in that season I wrote the most recent post on my blog, <a href="http://www.connectthedots-amber.blogspot.com/2013/10/the-dichotomy-of-wait.html" target="_blank">the dichotomy of the wait</a>.<br />
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As we wrestled and prayed and talked, we both felt open . . .but there was a burden we couldn't shake. I remember looking at Ryan and saying, "I can't tell you why we shouldn't move forward. But I do know that all that has sustained me in how long this current wait has been is that I know, that I know, that I know God called us to it and I know, that I know, that I know until now He has said "stay." I don't feel that here. And I can't justify moving forward with out that. When the hard comes, we need that to stand on. Without it, we can't." Ryan felt the same and we knew it was a "no" to move forward.<br />
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Sending that email to our agency was heart breaking. I don't know how else to say it. Because we were saying "no" to the very thing we had prayed for . . .to move forward. By saying "no," we were settling back into the wait for the unforeseen future. <br />
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It was like facing the wait all over again and that was another email I just cried as I typed. And yet I knew it was right.<br />
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I loved the words our caseworker responded to me with. Julie wrote:<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px;">"When we are in desert times, we are blessed as Christians to have the shade that Jesus gives us. Trusting and having faith one day at a time is what we have. Please know that I am here to wait by your side."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">Trusting and having faith one day at a time was all we had. But it was enough. And day by day He kept being enough.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">Yet I'll admit I kept looking. Because the urgency was still there. And we felt He was telling us to be ready. And I started letting the urgency take over.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">One day, as I was working on my Bible Study, God just spoke so clearly to me and stopped me in my tracks. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">My study took me to 2 Chronicles 20. Jehoshaphat had been told a vast army was marching against him and his people. He was terrified and was begging God for guidance. He began looking to those around him for help, was fasting and praying and in his prayer, reminded God of what He had already done, what He had promised and pleaded for God to show Himself. Part of the last verse of his prayer was the exact cry of my heart as he said in verse 12, "We do not know what to do, but we are looking to you for help."</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">That is where I felt we were at. We knew we were where God had called us. He had shown His faithfulness time and time again. Yet every where we looked we saw adoption under attack. We were pressed down on all sides. We didn't know what was next and it threatened to overwhelm us and rob our hope.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">God's reply to Jehoshaphat struck me to my core. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">"This is what the Lord says: Do not be afraid! Don't be discouraged by this mighty army; for the battle is not yours, but God's. Tomorrow, march out against them. . .But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord's victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the Lord is with you! .. . Believe in the Lord your God, and you will be able to stand firm."</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">Oh the words planted me, chastised me, encouraged me and held me up.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">I remember texting friends those words as I knew they were feeling some of the same and wanted to encourage them with those truths. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">The next day, I was picking up at my desk and found a random scripture card that again just spoke to me as it read, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still." Exodus 14:14</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">I chuckled to myself as I read it . . .as I finally felt like I was hearing Him. That waiting, available, was exactly where He wanted us. And I remembered it was this same verse a dear friend had written out for us a couple months ago and had <i>been hanging on my fridge </i>every since. Sometimes we just need it spelled out for us again. : )</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">I knew we were where we were supposed to be . ..I just had no idea how fast God was going to show us His doing . . . .</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">That afternoon I had some down time and sat down with my computer.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">I about wanted to shut it again after the first thing I saw on my agency's facebook page was a post from another family. She shared that an agency her friend had used recently had two birth mom's due this january that they were looking for families to match with for adoption.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">I wanted to run.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">God had just said "stay?!" RIGHT?!</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">Or did He. That verse from 2 Chronicles just echoed through my mind.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">"</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px;">Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord's victory."</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px;">Was this what God was doing? </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px;">Yet I was so skeptical.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px;">You see so often with those posts, I feel like you always find out it is actually a few weeks old. Or you go to find out more and see that 100's have inquired. I was a skeptic.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px;">So as a skeptic, I messaged this friend to see what she knew about the agency (because you know, it probably was just a fluke).</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px;">Instead she said, "Oh, let me put you in touch with my friend who used them."</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px;">gulp. a little real.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px;">Next thing I knew I was messaging with this friend about her experience with them (all good) which I took in but then still closed a reply back with, "I'm always such a skeptic with these kind of posts so I'll talk to my husband and we'll pray and see what God does."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px;">She replied this was exactly how they found their son.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px;">gulp. a little more real.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">I went to Ryan expecting him to kind of shove it off too. But my husband? He was all in. He thought we should inquire and see what came out of it as little bits that we did know resonated with our story thus far.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">So I sent an email and put it in God's hands.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">The week went by without a reply and I am a little ashamed to say I washed my hands of it initially and shrugged it off and was ready to put it out on my mind and just settle in again.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">That sunday night we had put the girls to bed and were hanging out down stairs when the alarm on my phone went off.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">You see, for much of the past year, a group of us with my agency have set alarms on our phones at 8:38. It is meaningful to us with Ethiopia and it is a time we commit, where ever we are, to say a prayer for Ethiopia, adoptions and each of our family's journeys. Sometimes it has been a silent, short prayer by myself. Sometimes I have prayed with others. There have been nights those alarms has seen me falling straight to my knees.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">That sunday night? I wanted to run from that alarm.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">I was weary with the wait. I was defeated by it. I was emptied by it.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">I looked at Ryan and said, "I can't pray. I don't have anything to pray. It is all I can do to say I believe it will happen . . .because tonight I don't."</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">God bless my husband as he took my hands in his and he prayed for both us as I cried.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">And Ryan prayed the most beautiful prayer. But it was these words that stopped me.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">Ryan prayed, "God we just ask you to move really mightily in our adoption and in our family this next week. . . ."</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">Can I confess that as he prayed those words, all I could pray was, "Lord, forgive my unbelief."</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">I didn't believe it. And all I could offer God that night was my confession of unbelief.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">I wasn't thinking of this inquiry. I wasn't thinking of a plan. That night I just prayed for hope and faith to believe He could.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">Monday I was on the phone with Ryan after lunch and he asked if we ever heard back about that birth mom from the agency. When I replied I hadn't, he asked if I thought we should just check in. I was so torn. Was this taking up the battle that wasn't ours? Ryan said he was fine with whatever I chose to do but thought we should at least follow up.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">I wrestled after getting off the phone. But the more I wrestled, the more I realized that this time, I would not be ok letting it go without knowing they had found a family. As clear as it had been we felt burdened to move forward with another country the month previously, it was clear that same burden wasn't present. In fact, I felt like we would be disobedient NOT to inquire further. So I sent one more follow up email just seeing if the mom had been matched. An hour later I was reading the reply that birth mom was still unmatched and they were still seeking families. Then I was texting with a case worker. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">Fees were then being shared. This was another part of the story that astounded us. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">You see, a couple months ago we had been contacted unexpectedly asking where we were at with our adoption expenses. God had blessed us hugely with our Both Hands project we had done but Ryan and I never wanted to just fall back on that or negate our role in those expenses and had really wanted to try and save and provide the travel portion of our adoption as we felt like the tax credit was there to bless adoptive families and it would be such a blessing to provide that part ourselves if we could. We had been saving towards that so that more of our Both Hands project could go to more immediate needs outside of us but with some different circumstances that had arisen, still had a decent gap left there.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">As this individual probed, we shared what that deficit would be to meet that and before we even knew what had happened, these people had asked if they could cover that difference. It was incredibly humbling as we in no way asked for it. It was incredibly encouraging as we felt so stuck and unmoving with our adoption. Yet I will admit it left us wondering what God was up to as we had no immediate need for it and yet there it was. So we gave all glory to God and had accepted the funds with deep gratitude.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">Would you believe that as the caseworker was messaging me what all the immediate fees due would be, this amount covered those initial set of fees almost exactly? It wouldn't cover the entire adoption, but it allowed us to step forward in faith and not use the immediate financial investments as any reason to say no or to hesitate. It was in that moment that I knew without a doubt God was up to something and</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px;"> we were looking at a situation that had just gotten very real, very fast.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px;">Monday night involved alot of talking and praying. We shared we were wanting to possibly move forward. Next thing I knew, it was tuesday and I was looking at medical records in my inbox and talking more next steps.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">I called Ryan with some details and parts of the mom's story. The reality of the situation was hitting me and I was feeling anxious. Ryan was stedfast, constant, and committed to moving forward. I have always prayed, in any circumstance, that when I doubt, God will be my peace, through Ryan's leadership, and time and time again over these days, this was exactly what He gave me.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">As I was texting with the caseworker that tuesday afternoon, I shared we did officially want to be included in the families presented to birth mom and to please let me know what we needed to do next.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">"Great!" The caseworker replied. Just send me your profile book and we will mail those out to birth mom on friday!"</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">Profile book?</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">What profile book!?!?!? (Insert panic attack - please remember it is tuesday. They want to mail out friday).</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">I may had googled "adoption profile book."</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">So tuesday night we put the girls to bed and I got on snapfish and hit "overnight ship" and "submit order" at 3:45 the next morning.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">I am convinced God knew we needed 8 hours to make a profile book so the only option we had was to leave it entirely in His hands. We couldn't make changes, we couldn't try to influence. All we could do was put ourselves out there and let it go for what God wanted to happen.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">Well friday came and books weren't mailed out. Then monday came and went. They were supposed to mail that next friday but another family that wanted to submit was having computer issues. I tried to be thankful they were waiting knowing that every birth mom should be gifted with choice for her child. In the meantime, I was a scatter brained mess. Forgot to book babysitters. Forgot to make potluck reservations. Forgot to order christmas presents in time for an early christmas. : )</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">Books were finally mailed that following monday . . .and I left tuesday for a girl's trip in California not knowing how this was all going to end.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">This trip was such a blessing. It was with 4 friends who had become like sisters to me as we walked adoption journeys together and had met through our agency. They know me about as well as anyone and we have lived the crazy, the raw, the hard and the silly together . . .and often in the same night. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">Thursday morning came and I was messaging back and forth with our home study worker about some details that we were suddenly worried could become problematic in moving forward. Next thing I knew I was on the phone with the case worker from Texas, Alicia (keeping all this straight?), as she could tell I was panicking and wanted to set things straight.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">I was relieved to realize that the details we thought were issues weren't . . .and in the conversation I was able to find out a little more.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"> I was able to find out a touch more about birth mom and learn there was a total of four families whose books had been given her . . .and that until now, <i>not a single family</i> had been presented to this sweet, sweet momma. Oh my heart hurt for her . . .and how thankful I was that she wasn't just given one family, but four.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">I was also so blessed to learn that the caseworker had prayed over the books before she mailed them out and just shared that she really felt this momma's family was one of those four.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">My friends was excited we were 1 of 4. My pessimistic nature told them I heard that and thought it a 75% chance of a no. :)</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">Friday morning, our Ethiopia agency sent out an update that was the most encouraging and transparent we had received in months. It encouraged me and shook me. As I opened my bible just pleading for a word from God, He gave them to me. I opened up to read, "We do not shrink back . . ." I sent Ryan an email just asking him to pray. I told him I was just fighting doubts . . .that I knew it didn't change anything or God's hand over all of it, but that I was having to work to speak those truths to myself amidst all of this. Suddenly it wasn't just one adoption we were having to surrender to Him, but TWO and I felt it threatening to be too much. Ryan's response blessed me so much.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;">"</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 19px;">I am comfortable with what we’ve done. Like you said, God sees the bigger picture. We are doing the right thing. Keep making ourselves available to different situations/needs and letting God lead hearts to what He wants. I am peaceful with whatever decision comes from Texas. I might be a little disappointed if it’s a “no”, but I will be okay with it too."</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 19px;">We were taking a walk on the beach as I got his email and again tears just came . .. but in thankfulness. Ryan's leadership and steadfastness the past few weeks had been such a blessing.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">A tiny bit of me wondered if I would find out while still in California . . .but when friday afternoon came and went, I put it out of mind and figured we would wait until next week to hear anything.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">Friday evening we attending a prayer/worship night at my friend, Cat's, church. It ended up being such a sacred night I can't quite even try to put down words. But know that God met each of us so sweetly. Even more precious? I was able to pray for this sweet birth mom, and to pray surrendered to however the story would end. That night was such a gift.</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">Saturday morning came and Ryan texted me a picture that once more brought tears (see a theme yet?!) It was this:</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">But as I shared the photo with my friend Suzanne, she looked at me and said, "Amber, do you see what I see?" I see both adoptions, your baby and Ethiopia." Oh the peace that spoke right then. It was as if God was saying, "I can be trusted with both." And I knew He could. No matter the outcome.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">We headed into San Francisco for the day as we were flying home sunday morning. We had barely settled into the hotel when my cell phone rang across the room. My friend, Catherine, not knowing who or what it was sang the name on the caller id to me and I about froze, as it was Alicia, from the birth mom's agency. In that instant, I was convinced the only reason she would be calling me on a saturday was to let us know it was a "no" and to not make us wait out the weekend.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">So I took my phone and walked out into the hall way before answering with as calm of a hello as I could and prepared for the gentle let down.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">The next thing I knew I was sliding down on the floor in that hotel hallway, crying, as Alicia told me we were going to have a baby boy and the birth mom had chosen us.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">It was surreal. It was nothing like I expected. It was totally undocumented. :)</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">I tried to process all she was telling me. I remember at one point just taking a picture of the view outside the window I was later standing at so I had some documentation of the call.</span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPgW6i3SMIY7h-rhDtegHabROtRk8DSGHITjzxWr1sKNpHpR8af3Kd_A8_R-fYCntF5EFcL2xfiM1zw9cKnef47buMdx8CZ7_OisEpYra46bBBCnOKResxtPvTqgjLtbHCfABlSIEYWhI/s1600/adoption1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPgW6i3SMIY7h-rhDtegHabROtRk8DSGHITjzxWr1sKNpHpR8af3Kd_A8_R-fYCntF5EFcL2xfiM1zw9cKnef47buMdx8CZ7_OisEpYra46bBBCnOKResxtPvTqgjLtbHCfABlSIEYWhI/s320/adoption1.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">And then the next thing I knew, I was calling Ryan to tell him HE had a son amidst tears.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">Can I tell you that I kind of LOVE the fact that Ryan found out he as expecting a son in BEST BUY!?!</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">And then it was sweeter than sweet to walk into a room of dear friends who so intimately understand the journey we have walked and tell them "I have a son!!!" and cry and scream and celebrate the moment as only they could. It was precious to then have them, as a group of sisters, to stop and pray, thanking God for me, until there weren't words and all that was right to do was praise.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">Then we headed out to Chinatown for a long awaited lunch to celebrate my friend, Rory's, adoption before she had to fly out that afternoon. It was totally surreal and didn't quite feel real.</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">After we got Rory on her plane home, we headed back down town for dinner and a little shopping. It got a little more real when we walked into Gap Baby and I stood in the boy section. Gap shoppers got 50% off their purchases and I couldn't resist to shop just a LITTLE. Ryan may have received this as a text.</span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtsw5DAOerBbEpcxvwxIWwaar_-gDkxL7WHesHqqlnO9TxMP3PaO04310EJTJsVySj4fnyVdqLoFGFfLabEup3SHFbRpxn8TgTYj0RBauGlFWSS0aRmrnJATbHkA0xHxU0aBjg7bkV3ss/s1600/adoption3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtsw5DAOerBbEpcxvwxIWwaar_-gDkxL7WHesHqqlnO9TxMP3PaO04310EJTJsVySj4fnyVdqLoFGFfLabEup3SHFbRpxn8TgTYj0RBauGlFWSS0aRmrnJATbHkA0xHxU0aBjg7bkV3ss/s320/adoption3.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">And yet I fell a little more in love with my husband when he sent me a text saying, "Strangely, I am really glad you are there with them when you found out," as he understood what these women have meant and mean </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px;">to me.</span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">And such is what brought us to today. Expecting a son. Praying for a son. Trusting for a son.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">It has been joyful to share, scary to share, and stretching to share. And yet God. He has carried us this far and we have no choice, no other desire, than to trust Him with the future.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">If you have made it this far with me, I am beyond impressed. But I don't just share to tell you. I share to tell us, to remind us, of how God has been in every bit of it. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">Tomorrow I will share a shorter (I promise) bit of next steps and try to answer a few of the common questions we get right now. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">But until then, know how deeply we appreciate each of you. There are those of you who maybe aren't in the specific telling of this story, but you are in SOO many parts of it. Your prayers, your encouragements, your caring . . .your grace on our hard days, your faith the times ours has been and is weak, and just for doing life with us. Know we still need you, more than ever, and are as reliant on your prayers as ever, if not more so.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;">Until then and always, God is good.</span></span>Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-394507564399097593.post-50453416989268459652013-10-19T08:21:00.001-07:002013-10-19T08:21:36.931-07:00The dichotomy of the waitYes, even I am impressed that at this point in motherhood I can still use the occasional "big" word.<br />
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I've been thinking about this alot the last week or so.<br />
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Part of it has been spurred by some situations that has caused and required alot of reflection and conversation.<br />
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Part of it comes from the timing of our wait.<br />
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November 14 marks three years since we started this adoption officially by sending in our pre application to our agency.<br />
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I'm not a big "anniversary" person with these sort of things. <br />
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Yes, those days have been moments I've stopped and pondered, sometimes in disbelief at how long it really has been. Sometimes I even forget. But the days themselves haven't hit so hard. I almost find the season right before them is the hardest as if somewhere internally, my heart knows before my head.<br />
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Maybe that is where we are at.<br />
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But the reason I even find reason to note the length (as I'm not just looking for sympathy) is something that has been traveling around my mind and heart.<br />
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If I'm being honest . . .in some ways the wait has become comfortable.<br />
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Yes, that is the dichotomy of which I speak.<br />
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The wait . . .the very thing I in so many ways pray against, away and for .. .has become comfortable.<br />
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Please don't misinterpret that as easy.<br />
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Please don't misinterpret that as me not longing in every way for our child.<br />
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Please don't misinterpret that I don't pray every day for a phone call that brings our wait to an end.<br />
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Just the other week I wrote a long email to our case worker that was simply a mess of emotions and unanswerable questions that I typed through my tears.<br />
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But comfortable in the sense that if we would feel God moving us to different actions, feelings of anxiety start bubbling up within as direct reflection of the fact that right now, I know where we are at and where we are going in the bigger sense.<br />
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Comfortable in that as unpredictable our life is . . . I know (sort of :) ) how to handle the emotions of it and what to expect.<br />
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I know the ebs and flows of my heart, the pangs that hit unexpectedly, and the tears that come from nowhere as you watch your little girls love on others' littles and think what incredible big sisters they will be and how ready they are.<br />
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Because I've learned how to let those tears come because <i>it is something to grieve</i>. <br />
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I've learned the truths I need to go back to.<br />
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I've learned when I have to start serving outside of myself or risk becoming <i>only </i>about myself.<br />
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I've learned when my irrational emotions or too short responses have more to do with a hurting heart than the situation at hand and I need to speak grace and space in the moment as I move on in my day.<br />
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I still don't always handle it all well.<br />
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But it is familiar.<br />
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Waiting is like that, isn't it?<br />
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There is something you long for, ache for and pray for. There is something you know God has called you to and for. There is something you know you are moving towards and every part of you can't wait for the moment God brings it to fruition.<br />
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Yet after so long, it become "comfortable" and to move forward, becomes the hard.<br />
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Last year in BSF we studied the book of Genesis. There I saw waiting far beyond what I have even tasted.<br />
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It's easy to see Abraham and Sarah losing sight of God's call and promise on their life. Easy to identify where they grab for control and where the every day demands, pressures and culture seeps in and they are pressing more into the present than towards where they have been called.<br />
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The past week or two, God has been whispering that they are me.<br />
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That I have gotten comfortable with the now. <br />
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<i>That I have maybe forgotten my prayers (or desire) to be stretched</i>. <br />
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Because part of me says I want to leave it all in His hands to produce any action and just keep living life.<br />
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I don't want to have to keep stepping out in faith, I don't want to taste more unfamiliar and I'd prefer to just deal with the "stresses," responsibilities and circumstances that demand me right now and the face the unknown that stepping forward in faith can hold.<br />
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At this point in the wait, it feels comfortable to say it is out of my hands.<br />
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So I've been sitting with these thoughts, asking God what it is He is asking.<br />
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I'm still not quite sure of the answers really. Don't have it quite figured out.<br />
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But I am feeling stirrings of them within.<br />
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I think He is asking me to press into Him again. To not go auto pilot in this wait to avoid the emotions or angst it holds. <br />
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I think He is asking me to trust Him again if He asks for more.<br />
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I think He is asking me to rejoice over what I do not see and what He may doing in the lives of others.<br />
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I think He is asking me to trust Him for the ending that may not be what I had hoped or imagine and at the same time to trust He <i>can do</i> abundantly more than I ask or imagine.<br />
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Some days the latter is the harder part.<br />
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So yes, the dichotomy of the wait: a<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-weight: 300; line-height: 15px;"> division or contrast between two things that are or are represented as being opposed or entirely different.</span><br />
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And it is that jumble of thoughts that I interrupt however many weeks (or months) of silence for. Until the next time . . .<br />
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<br />Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-394507564399097593.post-80094112132478503992013-09-04T11:06:00.002-07:002013-09-04T11:06:23.761-07:00Mr. Frog<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
One day the girls were up at Grandpa and Grandma's house for the afternoon. When I went to pick them up, Ava excitedly showed me a frog (good sized one) they had found in Grandma's garden and saved in a bucket to show me. Ava pleaded with me to take it home to show daddy and I said she could take him home just to show and then we would set him go in the creek down from our house.</div>
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Well Daddy came home and my animal loving daughter excitedly showed him, now named Zack, to Daddy and begged to keep him. All eyes turned to mom (who me?!) and I agreed for a night.</div>
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So that night, Daddy being the fun dad that he is, said him and Ava needed to run into Petco to buy some crickets to feed the frog. Mom agreed to this and waited in the van with sisters.</div>
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Daddy and Ava walked out with this. Not what I had envisioned.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDb495XzL1v51GTTBQZI9IlDfUF6GjN5Jg9bM9XfHLi_BIxCERU10qF83k6VE-MHZy7ldux6NofNM_hgjZZqfOHfIvepZIOf5ivaALSDRal2dc0cs80YC0OWD0B9GAOEepAwb9BSCaHL4/s1600/frog1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDb495XzL1v51GTTBQZI9IlDfUF6GjN5Jg9bM9XfHLi_BIxCERU10qF83k6VE-MHZy7ldux6NofNM_hgjZZqfOHfIvepZIOf5ivaALSDRal2dc0cs80YC0OWD0B9GAOEepAwb9BSCaHL4/s320/frog1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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So after much talk, a compromise was reached that the frog could stay until we left for vacation 4 days later and then he would have to be let go (I know, mean mom). And my girls proceeded to delight and torment, I mean play with, this frog for the next few days.</div>
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For some reason, Ava put on gloves for the first day or two we had him. An animal and this little girl and I have one gleefully happy little girl.</div>
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Zack and his captors, I mean playmates.</div>
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The other compromise - his temporary home.</div>
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These girls would run straight from their beds in the morning to see him and play with him. By day three, if I wasn't feeling so badly for this frog, I almost would have been convinced to let him stay longer. </div>
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So the night before leaving for vacation, a heart broken Ava and her sisters went and found a pond with Daddy that had lilly pads for him to live on. There may have been wailings and tears, and an indulgent daddy may have had a prayer for Zach as they let him go. Go with the flow sisters came home and when asked about if they were sad to let Zach go, they shrugged and one responded, "No. . .we prayed for him!" And that was that. Big sister took a little longer. : )</div>
<br />Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-394507564399097593.post-89112078099746745002013-08-31T12:00:00.000-07:002013-08-29T21:22:18.832-07:00Fourth of July Fun Part Three<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
For one last fun outing before Ken and Amy had to leave us well, we took the crew to a Cornbelters game.</div>
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Enjoying some jumping fun</div>
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About ten minutes, Ava looked at me and said, "This is boring." I thought we were in trouble for it wasn't about to get much more exciting to watch.</div>
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But within about ten minutes more, our girl had decided this was fun after all. And we proceeded to have a super fun night.</div>
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Two giggly little girls in front of me</div>
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Cousins at a baseball game make it lots of fun!</div>
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Kate wanted a picture with mommy and dad too</div>
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These two were so fun to watch - I think there may be an iphone somewhere with at least 100 pictures of this pair. I underestimate before I exaggerate. Hilarious.</div>
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The twin's favorite part? At the end of the games on friday nights, they let the kids run the bases before letting them watch fireworks from the field. They ran around 3 times in a row before getting upset when I told them they had to stop because all the lights were about to be killed for the fireworks to start. They seriously need to be in cross country some day.</div>
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Then as they were packing up on saturday we decided we weren't ready to admit they were leaving. So we headed to the water park - makes sense to me!</div>
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Happy girl on the slide</div>
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Cousin fun in the sand</div>
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Olivia took a try down the slide!</div>
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Sigh . . .last snuggles on the couch</div>
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I love this shot of Ava - in her glory with a dog to love on.</div>
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And my sad little girl telling him good bye. He is so good to her.</div>
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Then Ava decided we needed a picture of the adults (with picture wall in place - hurray!)</div>
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Until next year - good bye's are never fun.</div>
Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-394507564399097593.post-40443055038427536572013-08-29T21:20:00.000-07:002013-08-29T21:20:32.436-07:00Fourth of July Fun Part Two<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
When you never get the chance to live near your sisters, there is something simple and super sweet about getting to take a morning walk with one.</div>
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Ava getting to do one of her favorite things - play horses with Papa. I think they are two kindred spirits.</div>
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Amy usually makes it here once a year. And there seems to be a theme that I will talk with her for an entire year about some house projects and they don't get done. Yet she comes in town and it is the incentive we need. I had been wanting to do a picture wall above our sectional in our one room but just never got around to finding what I wanted. Wouldn't you know she was here and I found the exact mix of frames I liked . . .and then because she was still here we actually took the time to also get them on the wall. : )</div>
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Finding the right spots. I told her I would wait until next year to get the pictures in them. You think I am joking. It may take that long.</div>
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Thursday morning we headed to a nearby local parade that is always great for the kids: lots to see and lots of candy. :) Made even more fun by meeting up with friends.</div>
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Grandma and Ava snuggling</div>
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Sophie and Olivia</div>
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Amy and me</div>
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Love these girls</div>
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We always take pictures of our girls but never with us moms</div>
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Mom, Amy and me</div>
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my favorite guy in a orphan care t? doesn't get better than that. : )</div>
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Ken, Dad and Ryan</div>
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our family</div>
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The whole crew - the only downside was mom and dad had to head for home when the parade was done</div>
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Friends</div>
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Grandma and her girls (and their candy stash)</div>
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After mom and dad headed out, we relaxed for the afternoon at our home. Then we headed to enjoy our second annual "fresh market" picnic at a local fourth of july concert before fireworks at night.</div>
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Kate and Olivia happily holding their own pops</div>
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Mommy and Ava</div>
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The concert in action</div>
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These two loved it. And I mean love. I really should love a video I have of them dancing. Next year I need to put them in it.</div>
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Cousins!</div>
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And what better way to end it than some fireworks fun with Daddy!</div>
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Happy Fourth of July!</div>
Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-394507564399097593.post-85213910951231271132013-08-29T20:48:00.001-07:002013-08-29T20:48:22.232-07:00Fourth of July Fun Part 1<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
For the fourth of July this year, we hosted my entire side of my family trying to save some extra vacation days. The girls were SOOOO excited to have all their cousins coming to our house . . .and their cousin's dog too. :) They made pictures for every single person coming as they waited by the door.</div>
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Keith and Alisa's family came in a night before everyone else and we headed out for some yummy pizza.</div>
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Then we had fun walking around ISU's campus and showing them where their aunt and uncle went to school.</div>
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We may or may not having been not so subtly trying to persuade Auburn to head our way come college.</div>
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These two are the sweetest pair - she adores him and he is so sweet in return.</div>
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Then heading out for some orange leaf was a must.</div>
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As only can be done to family, we put them all to work the next day for the room swap of 2013. When we first moved into our home last year, Ava was not excited about the move at all and we let her pick the room she wanted. Well, after a year in our home, it seemed like a better fit to swap the guest room with her current room . ..and especially in light of the hope that Ava is anxiously hoping to share a room with her new brother or sister for a while when he or she comes home.</div>
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My family thought I was crazy to get two rooms painted and swapped in one day. But we did it even if all the final details weren't fully back in place. Beds and furniture were in and rooms slept in that same night.</div>
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Ava happily helping paint her new room.</div>
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Cousins dressed up and ready for church the next morning.</div>
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All the girls (and Oliver of course)!</div>
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Silly Shot!</div>
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A little bit of Wii Dance after church</div>
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Then it was time to celebrate the upcoming fall birthdays with dinner!</div>
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September Birthday Brecken</div>
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And September birthday Cole</div>
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Mom and Dad</div>
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and the rest of the crew</div>
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For our last day of everyone together, a gracious couple from our church let us come crash at their home on the lake for some water fun.</div>
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What a guy to head out with 5 ladies - huh?!</div>
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Auburn and I decided we better do at least one thing other than lay out that day. : ) So we talked ourselves into believing we could maneuver the canoe around the lake. Well, the current was so strong we decided to call it victory with across the part where we were at and back. Little victories are still victories - right?!</div>
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Loved this shot of these two. Love when I get to see my girl just enjoying the simple but great things of life.</div>
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Then that night the bigger girls decided to head to the pool at the hotel right around the time Ava usually heads to bed. Yet when they asked her to go along, it was one of those times the answered needed to be yes. She was pretty happy to be out with her four favorite people and it was fun to watch her feel so big.</div>
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Then on a nutty whim I decided to pretend I was still young and stay up with my two nearly grown nieces. It is a pretty cool thing when your nieces grow up and you are excited to spend a night with them. The sad part? When you start yawning at midnight. Sigh.</div>
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It was soo fun to have the family all together . . .and so sad to know that some of them had to leave the next morning. The good news was more fun things were in store.</div>
Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-394507564399097593.post-36808825028943288412013-08-26T14:39:00.000-07:002013-08-26T14:39:33.716-07:00June Numbers<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-KZkTfq_rgpecvh8qGpR-fqqlv5jRJwSifGihwu2me7sLB-NwzfXT0ZvvM59WKlBjSaSI2_PFqJRJjmREpLeuern7fxRIPl-Ff1QXv0-YSjWM3ibJ2TEgBSVayBNF6kNaqcZWv-pEaSo/s1600/photo-56.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-KZkTfq_rgpecvh8qGpR-fqqlv5jRJwSifGihwu2me7sLB-NwzfXT0ZvvM59WKlBjSaSI2_PFqJRJjmREpLeuern7fxRIPl-Ff1QXv0-YSjWM3ibJ2TEgBSVayBNF6kNaqcZWv-pEaSo/s320/photo-56.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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Girl Number: 49</div>
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Boy Number: 35</div>
Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-394507564399097593.post-17833262021338463422013-08-02T09:14:00.002-07:002013-08-02T09:14:14.361-07:00standing on my weak leg . . <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I will freely admit that to share my last adoption update and the raw of my heart felt vulnerable. As much of an open book (to a fault : ) ) that I can be at times, there are others times I tend to hold back and guard to a fault. It's a part of this wait that has stretched me as it extends.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yet I just had to thank you for loving me through it and the sweet words of encouragement I've been shown whether on this blog, in person, or in the mail.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Our family went to a family/church camp in Indiana a few weeks ago that really spoke to me at this point in our wait.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The theme this year was "stand" and its many applications as a christian. I am quite convinced that God had me there just for Sunday morning and its message.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Our friend Matt shared sunday morning. Matt shared that all we had talked about "stand" was good ...but yet any application, advantage or even the strength in our ability to stand is entirely dependent on what we are standing upon. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If the foundation upon which we stand is weak, no amount of determination, clinging or discipline will withstand storms that may come. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It is in grabbing hold of a foundation that is sure and promises that are true the enable us to stand. And we need to remind ourselves of these promises that are ours and true.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But the part that spoke to my heart the most was when he then talked about our own weaknesses to stand on our own.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><span class="text 2Cor-12-10" id="en-ESV-29016"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Often times we try to withstand hardships, trials, calamities on our own strength - or maybe it is just me who finds myself so often there. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know I stand on the power of God's unshakable promises. I know His grace is offered and given and mine. Those all are what enable us to stand on firm ground and be confident.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But a common theme of my life is after so long a time, I begin to hunker down and plow through on my own strength. I struggle to press into God when the trials persist - almost as if I am afraid to admit how hard something has gotten and how little I have left to persist. I struggle to stay in that vulnerable place. And by doing so, I too often miss out on His offered hand to hold me up and step in where I can not and where I have not.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This past year, I have often had a conversation with God how our life of these last few years has had a common theme of waiting, dependence and being poured out. I don't always handle it well (to put it mildly) and have had some hard lessons in learning what it means to rely on God when situations and circumstances stretch beyond our ability to control and provide. And each time feels a little harder as I feel the reserves are a little lower.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's as if I want to tell Him, "I know I need to do this differently but I'm ready for a new lesson." But here, two and half years later, we still wait and find ourself in some similar situations.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That morning, God just really sweetly and intimately reached down and spoke to me during a point in Matt's message.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He referenced 2 Corinthians 12:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><span class="text 2Cor-12-9" id="en-ESV-29015">"But he said to me, <span class="woj"><sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; line-height: normal; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-29015N" title="See cross-reference N">N</a>)"></sup>“My grace is sufficient for you, for <sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; line-height: normal; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-29015O" title="See cross-reference O">O</a>)"></sup>my power is made perfect in weakness.”</span> Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that <sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; line-height: normal; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-29015P" title="See cross-reference P">P</a>)"></sup>the power of Christ may rest upon me.</span> <span class="text 2Cor-12-10" id="en-ESV-29016"><sup class="versenum" style="font-size: 0.75em; font-weight: bold; line-height: normal; vertical-align: top;">10 </sup><sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; line-height: normal; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-29016Q" title="See cross-reference Q">Q</a>)"></sup>For the sake of Christ, then, <sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; line-height: normal; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-29016R" title="See cross-reference R">R</a>)"></sup>I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For <sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; line-height: normal; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-29016S" title="See cross-reference S">S</a>)"></sup>when I am weak, then I am strong."</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><span class="text 2Cor-12-10" id="en-ESV-29016"><br /></span></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><span class="text 2Cor-12-10" id="en-ESV-29016">In speaking to others throughout scripture and their own journeys of hardships and victories, Matt pondered that isn't it just like God to show up big in the areas we are most weak? </span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><span class="text 2Cor-12-10"><br /></span></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><span class="text 2Cor-12-10">Every great man/woman of faith seemed to have this journey of falling and then they would rise up. They would fall and rise up. Fall and rise up. </span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><span class="text 2Cor-12-10"><br /></span></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><span class="text 2Cor-12-10">And maybe the lesson there is that when we finally stop trying to stand on our strong legs and <i>fall on our weak legs </i>that God's strength may be known.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><span class="text 2Cor-12-10" id="en-ESV-29016"><br /></span></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><span class="text 2Cor-12-10" id="en-ESV-29016">I just sat there and soaked in those thoughts as I just felt God whisper, "Stop trying to walk through this wait on your strong leg. Stop trying to manage this journey for others. Stop trying to find the reasons and understand. Surrender helping others understand it. Stop trying to be strong on your own and <i>fall on your weak leg."</i></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><span class="text 2Cor-12-10" id="en-ESV-29016"><i><br /></i></span></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sometimes I manage to reach that point of surrender a little more on my own. Sometimes I fall big in order to get there. But there is something both profound and terrifying about having God so plainly put the choice in front of you and ask you to do a "trust fall."</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Because that is exactly what I have felt Him asking me of late.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Do you trust me enough with your family, your dreams, your money, your timelines and your identity enough to let go of your grip to manage it all and fall back into me? Do you trust me if this wait goes another two years? Do you trust me to be strong enough for whatever may come?</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sharing my update was one of those baby steps. Sharing the hard of this journey and the unknown still ahead. Opening up to others thoughts, opinions and comments on how things are moving (or not).</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But God is reminding me that He and I are still ok amidst all of that. That I am ok with Him and in Him and regardless of how we go from here.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Some days are hard to sit in the raw and the real of this place.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But God is reminding me again of the sweetness of it.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My foundation is secure. His promises are sure and are mine.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And when I am weak, </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>HE truly is strong.</i></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And for that I am so thankful how weak I am.</span>Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-394507564399097593.post-44294475082395089142013-07-30T21:13:00.000-07:002013-07-30T21:13:00.049-07:00June Candids Part Two<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
All ready for the first night of family baseball!</div>
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Just a lazy summer morning coloring in their pajamas</div>
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Cherries almost ready on our trees!</div>
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My helpful ballerinas (ballet class was a common form of play at our house this summer : ) )</div>
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Fun summer night with friends</div>
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Post haircut fun</div>
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Listening to big sister read to them</div>
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Wise words of encouragement in our wait: "worship while you wait."</div>
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Oh the fun of pitting cherries . . . : )</div>
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<br />Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-394507564399097593.post-58713158128024541762013-07-30T21:02:00.000-07:002013-07-30T21:02:00.143-07:00Ballet<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Ava chose Ballet as her activity for this summer. It's been so interesting as she loved it . . but has chosen already to go back to gymnastics - which really surprised me. Regardless, it was so sweet to watch her all summer and see how she is growing up in how she absorbs and tries new things.</div>
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My sweet ballerina</div>
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For real - how cute are they!?</div>
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I'll miss watching my little ballerina : )</div>
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<br />Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-394507564399097593.post-47126711347324951042013-07-30T20:52:00.000-07:002013-07-30T20:52:00.327-07:00Father's Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
We turned Father's Day into a weekend since we decided to celebrate with just our little family on saturday. We packed a picnic, load on to our bikes and took off to a park for a lunch and some fun. It was the farthest we've gotten Ava to ride on her own and she did sooo great!</div>
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Sunday morning snuggles with one great daddy</div>
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These girls love their daddy</div>
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Sunday after church we headed up to Ryan's parents where Ryan, gasp, cooked his own Father's Day dinner with the help of his brother David. For his Father's Day dinner, he wanted to do a shrimp boil and so they set to work.</div>
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Spreading dinner out on the table - SOOOO good!</div>
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Ryan, Dad and David</div>
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Happy Father's Day Grandpa!</div>
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Helping Grandpa open his gift</div>
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And we had a little "first" Father's Day surprise and present for Uncle David too. : )</div>
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<br />Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-394507564399097593.post-57805710625816630082013-07-29T20:39:00.000-07:002013-07-29T20:39:00.204-07:00June Candids Part One<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Hooray for the summer's first pool day!!</div>
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Nothing beats snuggles in the morning</div>
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Yay for our garden starting to grow!</div>
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Well, doesn't that look like a comfortable way to sleep . . . </div>
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Just a late night hanging out with Dad and watching tv . ..</div>
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Ava came in our room one night before VBS and had done her own hair <i>including</i> giving herself a real braid . . .and had never been shown how. She was super proud of herself - pretty cute!</div>
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We declared one night a "sleep where ever you want."</div>
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Ava chose the crib . . .</div>
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and out of any bed in the house, Kate and Olivia chose the floor in our room?!</div>
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I think Ava slept better that night . . .especially since Daddy made her a tent. : )</div>
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Remember that dentist post? Well Olivia went in and got her cavity filled. When we got in there, the dentist looked at me and said he wanted to try filling it without numbing her. He thought it was shallow enough he could do it without bothering her and would spare her the ordeal of being numbed. I gulped hard, said a prayer and agreed. She was SUCH a trooper. It didn't bother her the slightest until just a bit at the end and he was done before it could become an issue. Kind of a total oxymoron to take a child out for ice cream after a filling but despite several different prizes offered, ice cream was all the girl wanted and after she was such a trooper, mommy wasn't going to say no!</div>
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Hooray for ice cream!</div>
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<br />Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-394507564399097593.post-31872297157575635792013-07-29T20:20:00.000-07:002013-07-29T20:20:00.317-07:00Art Camp<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
For just an extra spot of fun to start the summer, I used the rest of our girl's birthday money for them to attend a really neat week long art camp put on by a friend of ours. They went every morning and it was a great way to start off summer. I knew Ava, my artist, would love it but it was really neat to see the twins soak it in and have fun with it too. The theme of the week was "self portraits." So each day they made a self portrait using a different medium/style of art. The last day, they had an "art show" where family and friends could come see all their work.</div>
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Kate's self portrait exhibit</div>
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Olivia's self portrait exhibit</div>
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Ava's self portrait exhibit</div>
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Their guests : )</div>
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Ava actually got to attend the second week of camp as well. The second week just focused on different styles of art and using different materials to create art.</div>
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Daddy and Grandma made it to her art show. Pretty proud of my talented little girl!</div>
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Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-394507564399097593.post-32753410936211866262013-07-29T20:11:00.000-07:002013-07-29T20:11:00.401-07:00Soccer!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
The twin's activity for this summer for their first taste of soccer. They were super excited to play . .. and that two of their friends were playing with them as well!</div>
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And I may be biased, but they make pretty cute soccer players.</div>
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4 little girls ready to play soccer!</div>
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And they're off . . . </div>
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Huddle up!</div>
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We're all kind of sad that this coming week is their last week. It's been the highlight of their weeks and we are already thinking it may be a repeat next year. Until then . . .</div>
<br />Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-394507564399097593.post-51195540342710804102013-07-29T20:00:00.000-07:002013-07-29T20:00:06.617-07:00Vacation Bible School<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Our girls got to experience their first Vacation Bible School this past year. Every year previously, the week of vbs coincided with the insurance conference Ryan needed to attend every year. Since Ryan is no longer attending that (I'll admit to being a little sad : ) ), our girls now get to enjoy all that is VBS. And this year there was LOTS to enjoy.</div>
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I took my camera one night to capture a few glimpses of the fun.</div>
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Starting the night out in worship - so fun to see the kids' enthusiasm!</div>
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The girls were <i>very </i>excited to have their Uncle David playing a star role in the skits that began each evening out addressing the theme of the week. It was a week of construction and looking at what it takes to build upon the rock of Jesus Christ. The girls saw the parable of the wise man and the foolish man come to life. They did SUCH a great job.</div>
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I was helping with Ava's class the night the camera came along - watching a bunch of kindergartners and first graders compete boys versus girls? Pretty funny.</div>
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Ava racing to place her shoebox on the wall.</div>
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Listening to their object lesson - Jesus is our "power source" that we need to be connected to in order to show His light to others and reflect His love.</div>
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My little construction workers at the end of the night : )</div>
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We had three tired little girls by the end of the week but it was worth it all.</div>
Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-394507564399097593.post-76788101140296966912013-07-29T19:49:00.000-07:002013-07-29T19:49:00.178-07:00First trip to the Dentist<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Kate and Olivia got to have their trip to see our friendly dentist. They were SUPER excited as they spent 10 months traveling in and out with me as I did invisalign this past year (if only I could go back to myself as a teenage and make myself wear my retainer!!!). So long story short?</div>
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These girls were only excited heading in. All the people were more than familiar and they already think they half own the place. : )</div>
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Kate wanted to go first - all set to go!</div>
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She was a total trooper - let her clean her teeth and even hung in there for the flouride treatment. She was also a no cavity girl.</div>
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Next up was Olivia. She was still pretty excited but just a <i>touch </i>nervous which actually made for a pretty adorable combination. </div>
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She was so ready so laid back and popped her mouth open before the hygienist was even ready. : )</div>
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There she goes. Olivia also did great for the cleaning and flouride treatment . . .but sadly, Olivia was the first of the kid clan to have a cavity (she is my candy eater too). </div>
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The girls were all too happy to finish up and head straight to the treasure chest for their long awaited prizes. : )</div>
<br />Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-394507564399097593.post-37583038027596694482013-07-26T11:53:00.001-07:002013-07-26T19:16:12.782-07:00May "Numbers" and an Adoption UpdateIf I am being honest, this is a post I have been avoiding having to write. . .as sometimes no news, kind of feels like no news. : )<br />
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We've had lots of questions of late from friends and family sweetly inquiring how things are going, our latest numbers and anxiously asking how soon.<br />
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We are beyond blessed by the support we have around us and even more importantly, the prayers I know, without a doubt, are being lifted up on behalf of our family and our child.<br />
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If I have been vague, short and avoident, thank you in advance for your grace.<br />
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It has been a raw, hard, and stretching few months of our wait.<br />
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I don't post too much about timelines, but this coming august will mark two years of waiting and two year and 9 months since we signed our first contract with our agency answering the call we knew God had placed on our hearts.<br />
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And while we knew, fairly early on, this wait was going to stretch beyond what we thought it would, I don't think we ever thought we'd be sitting where we are today, still waiting.<br />
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I know the truths.<br />
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God called us to this. This wait does not change that.<br />
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He is using this for His glory and our good. That has been made clear time and time again as I see my need for further growth and refining and see God walk our family through different circumstances all these months.<br />
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God is using this for our child; whether that is in changing parameters or important pieces of our child's story. I don't doubt I will someday look back on the bits and pieces of our child's journey and see that God was weaving our stories together in ways I didn't see. And I have been praying so fervently that God uses this time to bless our child's birth family. Whether that is in speaking to their heart of His love or just pouring blessing on whatever time they have with their/our child.<br />
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I know all that. I believe that. I claim that.<br />
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And yet the truths, while real, don't change the fact that the months of late have been raw . . . as amidst all those truths, as an entire family we feel the very real absence of our child and brother/sister.<br />
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The girls express it alot lately, which both blesses and pains me all in one. As they watch several people dear to us excitedly anticipate the arrival of their babies, they naturally desire that for our family. This wait is hard to understand on its own, much less when you are (almost) 6 and 4. Especially when you long for a little brother and sister.<br />
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I've seen God move Ryan's heart and reach out in ways that tells me our whole home is ready to grow.<br />
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And lets just say that those emotions that sit right under the surface of a momma near the birth of her child?<br />
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I'd say that has been a fairly accurate description of myself as well of late. :)<br />
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I think one of the things that is hardest of all this is the availability amidst the waiting. . . and amidst need.<br />
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We know there is a need. Our waiting doesn't change that.<br />
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We know we are available. Empty bed, rooms and arms make that clear. <br />
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We know we are available to children many aren't.<br />
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And yet loopholes, red tapes, circumstances and a corrupt world/system stand in our way.<br />
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We've seen friends start and complete adoptions in our wait. We've seen children carried and born and more on the way. <br />
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And yet we wait. . . and God has challenged me in my trust of His faithfulness and provision and choosing joy in that wait.<br />
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At the end of May, in the email we anticipated our monthly numbers, our agency shared they would no longer be dispersing numbers to waiting families.<br />
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Between the large amount of waiting families, slow movement, and the fact that the numbers system was an inflated system at best, it was no longer a wise use of their time as they seek to be available to the families they are serving.<br />
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It doesn't change the movement, and we will continue to get updates of referrals as they go out. But in terms of an "official" number, those will no longer come. Overall, it wasn't hugely surprising to me and I think they're wise in making that decision.<br />
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What I hadn't anticipated is how hard that has been to <i>communicate this</i> to those around us as I see their response to that news and the reality of how slow things are moving hit those we love. It's not fun to share what feels like another point of delay. And whether or not they intend to, you see the questions in their eyes and minds regarding the program, our adoption and our future with our child as I, myself, experience all those from time to time.<br />
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God knew these months would come.<br />
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This past year in BSF we walked through Genesis. God showed me person after person who loved Him, sought Him, and obeyed Him through incredibly long periods of waiting for the fruition of His call on their lives. Periods of waiting much longer we have known. I studied some who waited well. Some who didn't. I saw questions, doubts and the ups and downs of their journeys of faith. <br />
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I saw <i>me</i>.<br />
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God gave me a gift in that I could also see the other side of their stories. I could see Him working in their lives. Their families. Their futures. I saw the blessing of grabbing hold of Him. I saw the consequence of taking control and choosing immediate fulfillment over God's awaited provision and letting fears win. I saw the blessing of relationship with Him beckoning in the wait and experienced at the end of waiting well.<br />
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And so that has been our prayer. That we can grab hold of the <i>blessing </i>in this wait. That I can rejoice with others for whom God is moving swiftly in answer to their prayers and their adoptions and growing families. That I can find joy and thankfulness for what He <i>IS doing right now </i>in the life of our family. And that I can have the <i>faith</i> to trust Him with the remainder of the wait and our journey.<br />
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<i>Our timeline does not change His call.</i> <br />
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There have been many detours we have prayed over and placed before Him. Each time He has said stay. There have been waiting children inquired over and prayed over and God has said "no." "Stay," "Wait," and "Trust" seem to be His repeated words thus far and so we stay, wait and seek to trust.<br />
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<i>Our timeline does not change His faithfulness.</i><br />
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This past week has been a week of doubt if I am being honest. Doubt in His finishing this and doubt in His provision. And just like He has every time I have found myself in a similar place, He reminded me of His faithfulness through someone we love; who in an unexpected and simple text reminded me He has not forgotten us in this. <br />
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I was reminded that He is still paving ways. That HE is one who will be faithful to complete this. That He is the provider and redeemer in <i>every</i> way of this journey. That He still moves mountains at just the right time.<br />
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<i>Our timeline does not change His goodness.</i><br />
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I would love to have a miraculous, knock off your socks amazing story to share right now that can be tied up with a bow of how our adoption went (even though we know it is a continually written story long after home coming). There seems to be a theme sometimes in this world that "quickly" means His blessing and "delay" means a lacking of it (or maybe it is just me right now that seems to hear/see that). : ) Our world likes stories that can wrapped up with a bow - hey, I like them. : ) Yet God is showing me, little by little, that we are walking within a miraculous, knock off your socks story that is more beautiful <i>for us all BECAUSE</i> it isn't wrapped up with a bow. <br />
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Because in its painfully slow and stretching weaving, He is appearing. In the grace for another day, in the ability to rejoice for others, in the choice to trust and praise Him now. Considering that because of this slow weaving, He can be seen as our strength and be glorified in our weakness? As I sit there and consider, THAT<i> is what is <b>beautiful and miraculous</b></i><b>.</b> He is good for that alone.<br />
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Our agency will still send us monthly updates of referrals that have gone out as well as the date that each adoptive family's dossier was approved with that referral. Because of this, and because of my agency's tightly knitted facebook group, we will still have a fairly clear idea of where we are at in terms of the "list."<br />
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I was prepared to be ok with just this for ourselves but as I haven't posted regular updates, I've realized how much our numbers have helped friends and family keep up with our journey. Even though they don't fully predict when we could receive our referral, they help document our journey for our future child and for our girls.<br />
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Because of this, I have decided to take the time to try and keep up with our numbers as best as I can. Our numbers have always been skewed in that throughout the list there has been "bubbles" of families on multiples lists (both boy and girl for instance) and with different age/special needs parameters. My ability to keep track of these numbers will at time be as good as the families I am aware of in regards to our place on the list. So there is a high likelihood that the numbers I post may be off by one or more number. But I have decided it is worth it.<br />
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I want to continue to allow those we love to walk this journey with us. I've done a poor job of it these past six months just as this journey has gotten more vulnerable and I also suppose you could say, as self protection. :) But we need your prayers in the mountain tops of this journey and in the valleys too. And we never take those for granted - I know they have sustained us this far. <br />
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And so our may numbers are our first of my own calculations. The praise comes in that May, several referrals went out. And yet through them we walked the lost referral of sweet friends of ours too. So even as we pray for our journey, we pray for theirs too and God's faithfulness to be know in their story as well.<br />
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And since the timeline question is one we receive alot of, I will share what my response is each time it is asked:<br />
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At this point, it could as likely be only two more months as it could be two more years. And so you quickly see the need for prayers as we seek to live life and serve amidst a very unpredictable wait. : )<br />
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So thanks for sticking through my ramblings. Thanks for sticking in this journey with us. Thanks for how often God uses each of you to remind us of God's goodness and His faithfulness in our journey. Thanks for holding us up. <br />
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He is GOOD.<br />
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Without further ado . . .<br />
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Girl Number: 49</div>
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Boy Number: 35</div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: georgia, serif; line-height: 23px;">"</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: georgia, serif; line-height: 23px;"><i>Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD. "For he will be like a tree planted by the water, That extends its roots by a stream And will not fear when the heat comes; But its leaves will be green, And it will not be anxious in a year of drought Nor cease to yield fruit." </i></span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 23px;"><i>Jeremiah 17: 7-8</i></span></div>
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<br />Amberhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11255738959729500494noreply@blogger.com5