Monday, January 6, 2014

The roller coaster of "in between"

This last month has been a roller coaster in about every area of our life.

Balancing the scurry of adoption paperwork and updates needing to be done in order to adopt domestically amidst the already "busy" the holidays naturally bring.

At times I was a total scatter brain - forgetting gymnastics (which has only been every Thursday since august), blanking on scheduling sitters, running to get needed gift donations during preschool because I had forgotten they were due that day . . .the list goes on and on.

Ryan was beyond gracious as he would take Ava to Occupational Therapy to let me catch a breather or talk me through my day to make it doable and without total break down as I worked through conference calls, post office runs, Christmas shopping, school parties and holiday hosting. : )

But we managed to get through it all and we mailed off the last needed document request on friday to have us be as ready as we can be for this baby to come.  It is a fingerprint request from the state of Illinois, so we would appreciate prayers that they will process them quickly so our agency in Texas can receive them.  My understanding, as of now, is that baby, if born early, could not be handed over to us if they have not received them back.  We are on a 2 - 3 week countdown at my best guess right now. :)

Emotionally it has been a roller coaster as well.

It has been so exciting to share the news with those we love and share the anticipation and hope we have of a son.  We have been so blessed with the support we have been shown and the prayers being prayed.

Yet with each step we take towards baby, there comes a new level of anxiety and fear that has to be surrendered daily and a new reality to that fear.

My mom, sisters and I went out for some christmas sale shopping to prepare for baby boy so he wouldn't have to be clothed entirely in pink. : )  We found some fabulous deals on some needed essentials and I even shopped ahead for next winter some, as I couldn't pass up some of the prices we were finding. 

I think coming home and organizing through it all and seeing it spread out that suddenly made the vulnerability of my heart become extremely real.  For not a single tag came off, bags and receipts are in the closet, and still, a baby boy needs to be prepared for and needed items readied.

I knew the anxiety had been building up but it became very real when one day I stopped at store to make some exchanges.  I had found a diaper bag I loved (ours had been spoiled - literally - by spilled milk with the twins) and went to also pick up a couple boy swaddling blankets and burpies.  As I stepped up to the counter to make the exchange and use my credit, the anxiety became almost too much.  It was as if in that moment, my heart couldn't go forward with one more purchase and chance having one more thing to take back if we don't bring our baby boy home.

Fighting tears, I put the items on hold, and walked out to the car, and called a dear friend of mine and just cried.  She, too, is walking a similar journey of faith to her own little boy and I was just so blessed at having someone to simply sit with me in the fear, understand it, and stand with me in it with compassion and hope for me.

A day later I went back in, and choosing hope, purchased the items and they, too, are sitting in his bedroom closet with the tags and receipts.

Living with hope. 

All the while surrendering how it all ends. 

That is reality we are walking right now. 

Speaking truth of God's goodness to ourselves and our ability to trust Him, regardless, and that we will be ok, regardless.  OH, and somewhere in the midst of that not having it affect my ability to respond to the girls (or Ryan) in love. : )

I have been really grateful that we are in communication with our birth mom. 

Some days that blesses me as I feel a relationship and re pore slowly grow. We want, so much, for her to be a part of his life and our life and family.  So I am thankful for every interaction and just pray it grows trust and connection. 

Other days it feeds the anxiety, as the weight of how I respond can sometimes feel heavy, or certain conversations make it very real how little control I have in this situation; both in baby's care/growth or in how this all ends.

We are hopeful to have a c-section date this coming thursday!  While we know that still doesn't mean baby will for sure wait until then to come, it does feel comforting to know that a day is coming when we can step off this rollercoaster and know, with some level of certainty, what the future will look like.

So that is where we sit these days.  Praying constantly throughout each day and night and leaning heavily on your prayers as we pray.  I wanted to come share, not only because people kindly ask, but for us to remember God's daily provision as we walk this journey and His grace through the many emotions too.

I continue to find so much comfort that even on the days I have to pray through the anxiety the most, it is still so clear we are exactly where He has called us.  That encourages me and comforts me to keep pressing forward, secure in His calling and His faithfulness to us.

Thanks for walking with us through it.

Hebrews 6:19 "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure."


Mindy said...

Continuing to hope and pray with you guys. We love you and love Little Man!

J Gutwein said...

Oh my.. Each experience is do different & with Prim every time I was scared I shopped! I remember telling Shelby it was a problem;)! Plus, you know the opposite gender being shopped for so fun. Ps: boy's clothes are so cute & hipster now!! Honestly call me if ever you need to just talk/sit with someone who understands adoption & even more specifically open adoption. It is the most beautiful & sometimes most hard thing ;)! I believe it is the essence of God though so it is like you understand his nearness so much, which is obviously magical ;)!! Praying & waiting :)!!

emilykate said...

Wow, THIS Thursday?! Crazy! Praying for you!

Sarah said...

Thanks for this update. Anxiety is one of the hardest things to work through. Love how you are keeping the right perspective!

Jon y Amy said...

Wow. Ugg. What a hard balance you describe. Praying for your hope!